Gilbert Gottfried (Howard Stern Interview)

Howard said Gilbert Gottfried wrote a book (Rubber Balls and Liquor) and he was bragging to Will about how he wrote it himself but then he told Gary he had a ghost writer. Gilbert came in and said that he would write stuff and they’d fix it up for him. Gilbert was writing it long hand and they had to decipher what he wrote.
Howard said the book is strange. He said that it’s called ”Rubber Balls and Liquor” and it’s kind of strange. they talked about the title and where Gilbert got that from.

Howard said there’s one story in the book about him and he has been so great to Gilbert over the years. He said he even defended him in the whole Aflac thing. Gilbert said he’s not allowed to talk about that right now. He said he can’t talk about that. Gilbert said it’s like the head of GM coming on the show and saying he can’t talk about cars.

Howard said the Aflac work was like one day of work and he didn’t have to do that much with it. Gilbert said that’s right. Howard said it was probably the easiest money he’s ever made. Gilbert said ”Oh sure…” Howard said it must be making him crazy that he has the kids and he has to pay for school and all of that.

Howard said Gary asked Gilbert how old his kids are and he didn’t know. Gilbert said he just says ”the girl” and ”the boy” and doesn’t say their names. Gilbert said it’s still like waking up in the Twilight Zone with the kids around.

Howard said Gilbert is so disconnected and his wife must have to yell at him to do stuff. Gilbert said that they would probably find the kids starved to death if his wife wasn’t there. He said he would forget to feed them. Gilbert said he thinks that it’s a better experience for women than it is for men. He said that he will hold them and hug them up to a point. He said his son isn’t two yet so he doesn’t think it’s gay to kiss him yet. Howard asked if he’s going to give up on that eventually. Gilbert said the kids will probably let him know when they’re sick of it.

Howard said Gilbert doesn’t mention his wife in the book. He doesn’t mention how he met her or anything about the kids. He dedicated it to them though. Howard asked if that was done because it’s the right thing to do. Gilbert said he didn’t know who else to dedicate it to. That’s why he did it.

Howard asked Gilbert about the Aflac thing again and if he would do it over again. Gilbert said that he does have a lot more followers than he did before the whole Japan thing. Gilbert said he wondered why everyone got so upset when he does the same kind of thing every day of his life. He said he has done that kind of thing many times in the past. Howard said he has stopped doing the offensive Tweets lately. He even had to apologize. Gilbert said he did that in the first day and a half and they were going back and forth with the agents and all of that.

Howard asked if he was trying to hold on to that Aflac gig. Gilbert said he was in a daze and he’s not sure what he was doing. He said he was shocked that of all the things he’s said in his career that it was this thing that got him in trouble. He said none of them had apparently heard of Howard’s show.

Howard said it wouldn’t have been anything if 75 percent of Aflac’s business wasn’t in Japan. Howard said that he must look into where Shoedini is sold now. Gilbert said that Kathie Lee Gifford got into trouble with the sweat shop thing and maybe not every celebrity knows where that stuff is made.

Howard asked how he got fired. Gilbert said he found out through his agent. Howard asked if the agent told him to do damage control. Gilbert said he did. He said the media was reporting that it was comments and remarks that he made and not ”jokes.” He said if they had said ”jokes” then it wouldn’t have been a big deal.

Gilbert said the two first days on Twitter were like psycho emails saying that they were going to kill him and his family. He said after that it was an overflowing of fans saying that he was just joking and that’s what he does.

Howard asked if he composed the apology himself. Gilbert said that came out of a machine like ”Apology 176, okay, lets use that.” Howard said that Gilbert is all about himself and he’s not thinking about other people. The apology was obviously not written by him.

Howard said Gilbert has been Tweeting other jokes about the Tsunami since then. Howard said his income must have been cut down by a lot. Gilbert said of course it was. Howard asked if he’ll be able to get more commercial work now. Gilbert said it’s a funny thing. He said he realized that the tsunami was on the news every minute but then one day he woke up and Chris Brown throwing a chair had taken over. He said they use the same emotion and urgency with that story as they do with the tsunami.

Howard asked Gilbert which of his jokes was his favorite. Gilbert said he did a really dumb one about what Japanese Jews like to eat and it was Hebrew National Tsunami. He said it was so stupid and unfunny but they took it seriously. He said he asked what the best pop singer in Japan was and it was ”Gwen Tsunami.” That’s the kind of jokes he does on there.

Howard said Gilbert doesn’t do his own Tweeting thing. He said he has someone doing it for him. Gilbert said he has like 50 Howard Stern’s following him on there.

Howard asked if this is the first time someone has been fired for Tweeting. Gilbert said there was a guy stuck in traffic who said that no one there in Detroit, the Motor City, knew how to drive. He said that Chrysler went after his company and got the guy fired. He said that there was a teacher who complained about her students being too loud and she got fired. He said another guy at an airport had complained about the airlines and he got fired too. He said it’s a really weird time period.

Robin asked if he lost any other commercial work. Gilbert said he didn’t. He said the people who were most outraged were the people at TMZ and Perez Hilton. He said Perez draws penises on people’s faces but he was offended by him. Howard said Perez was drawing penises on some kid’s faces for a while there and he said to him that it was kind of crazy. He said he thinks that he’s grow up a little bit since then. Gilbert said he’s the arbiter of good taste.

Howard asked Gilbert if he would take it all back if he could. Gilbert said he would. Howard said this is how he makes his living though. Gilbert said that’s what he said earlier. That’s what he does for a living.

Howard asked if he wanted to lock the doors and give up on show business. Gilbert said there were people running out and chasing him all over the place after the whole tsunami thing. Howard asked if he was ready to get out of show business. Gilbert said he thought show business had already left him, not the other way around.

Gilbert said he thought it was going to be like a Frankenstein movie and people were going to be outside with pitch forks. He said that it turned out people have lives and they don’t bother. He said people still wanted to take pictures with him and all of that.

Howard said he read that Gilbert writes about his father being a hardware store guy and he would sell airplane glue to kids because he knew they liked to get high. Gilbert said he had a store where nothing got sold. He said it was in the middle of nowhere in Coney Island. He said that it was in a side area there not near anything. Gilbert said people were sniffing glue around then and they passed a law saying they could only sell glue to kids if they bought a model kit. He said his father had one airplane model collecting dust and he’d sell that to them so they could buy the glue. He said the kids would just buy the kit and throw it in the garbage where his father would take it out and put it back on the shelf.

Howard said he didn’t talk about his mother in the book. Gilbert said someone who is close to him who said it looked like it was getting touching but then it would turn to childish and immature things that were obscene. Howard said there are some revealing moments in the book.

Howard said he thought that he would get emotional about him but he only mentions him in one paragraph about the time he was in the hospital. He said he was really emotional about Gilbert back then and he likes the guy. He read the paragraph and Gilbert goofed on him about his looks and how it was like the number 7 was visiting him when he’d show up disguised. Gilbert knew that they were only visiting so they’d have something to talk about on the show the next day.

Howard said Gilbert didn’t want them telling anyone he was in the hospital because he didn’t want anyone bothering him. It turns out that no one cared so a month later Gilbert was begging them to tell everyone. Howard said Gilbert told them he was out of show business when he was in the hospital.

Howard said he read about Gilbert picking up a stripper at a strip club and brought her home. Howard said he finished so fast that she refused to return his calls the next night. Gilbert said that he was shocked that he got her to show up to his apartment. He said if you wrote a TV show there are rules and this is something that would never happen. He said he had seen this stripper before and he was at an event doing a set and he saw this girl there. Gilbert said he met with lunch with her and then went to his place. He said he was making out with her and going nuts. He didn’t know what he was doing. Howard asked if he was trying to win her over with his soft kissing or anything. Gilbert laughed and said that’s not what he was doing. Gilbert said he was thinking about how shocking it was he was making out with this hot girl. He said the clothes came off and she was wearing nice underwear and he was totally crazy. Howard asked if he got naked too. Gilbert said he did. This was pre-operation.

Gilbert said he heard that Marilyn Monroe would pick up guys off the street and they’d make out with her but then she’d see this look on their face about how they were about to fuck Marilyn Monroe and they’d lose their erection.

Gilbert said he didn’t lose his erection. He said this girl’s ass was great and he was about to do her doggy style and her ass was like perfection. He said he got his dick in and he lasted maybe 2 and a half seconds. He said he put on a rubber and put his dick in and he was done. He said he might not have even moved it once. He said he just exploded. He said he can last long with his wife. Howard said he would pay anything to see him fuck. Howard said he’s had the same problem when he finishes in a second. Gilbert said the stripper looked over her shoulder shocked and horrified. He said it was like she saw the Loch Ness Monster. Gilbert said she asked if he had finished. Gilbert said he was in total ecstasy. He was exhausted and drained and she couldn’t believe it. Howard asked if she got dressed and left. Gilbert said she did. Howard said that’s the ultimate walk of shame.

Gilbert said he tried calling the girl the next day because he had said that he would try to call her the next day. Gilbert said that she gave him a look like she was hot that day but in a year she’d be ugly and maybe dead. He said he called her the next day and all he got was silence and felt like she was giving him that look over the phone again.

Howard said Gilbert writes about working on Saturday Night Live and tells a story about how Woody Allen watched his audition tapes. Gilbert said that he sat there stone faced and when Woody saw his tape come on he sat up and pointed his finger and asked if he was a Navajo Indian. That was it. Howard laughed his ass off at that story. Howard wondered what he did in that audition. He said he would have loved that Groucho impression.

Howard said Gilbert does great impressions and he should have done them on SNL. He said he could do his Dice Clay, Groucho and the Jew who sings. Gilbert said no one would ever describe him as self destructive. Howard said he’s in a competitive business so he has to do that stuff. Gilbert said he did that Groucho impression for Dick Cavett and his mouth was wide open. Howard said it’s incredible. Gilbert said he knows he should have done it. Howard said he really should have and he had his moment when he could have.

Gilbert said he hated the other writers and they hated him. He said they wrote a sketch once where he played a dead body in a casket. That’s how much they hated him. He said he really didn’t get that he was getting this great job. He said he didn’t think that much of it when they hired him. He said that season was a season where they didn’t think the show would go on without the original cast. Howard said he could have been bigger than Billy Crystal if he had done his impressions.

Howard asked what he did for Dick Cavett. Gilbert went into his impression of Groucho and had Robin and Howard laughing. He does it as ”Old Groucho” who can barely speak. He had Groucho singing a song and speaking in that old man voice that he had. Howard said Dick Cavett would let him go on and on with that stuff too.

Gilbert said he was on Thicke of the Night once and he got a great compliment from Alan Thicke. He did an impression of Alan Thicke for a few seconds too. Gilbert said he was on doing a bit and he started improvising and did a Peter Lorre impression and Vincent Price was on the show and Vincent said he loved that imitation. Howard asked what the Peter Lorre impression was like. Gilbert didn’t do it but he said there are a lot of different ones.

Gilbert said he did do the Dracula thing for ”Son of the Beach.” Howard said that was a great show and he’s not sure why it didn’t take off.

Howard said Gilbert quit school and he stopped going to class but the teachers didn’t even notice. He said that must make him feel like a snail in life. Gilbert said he left school and he’d hang in the library. He said he had no place to hang out.

Howard asked Gilbert if he’s proud of his new book ”Rubber Balls and Liquor.” Gilbert said the funny thing is that he likes the way it looks and the way the cover looks. He said he sat between that model’s legs for hours. Gilbert said he likes holding the book and he was forced to read it but he got no joy out of it. Gilbert said he had to read it to look for mistakes and he doesn’t want to read other people’s books so he sure doesn’t want to read his own. Howard said that would be a great quote for the back of the book.

Howard said Gilbert got a job in Beverly Hills Cop II and he had worked with Eddie Murphy on SNL for a year. When Eddie saw him on the set of the movie he asked if he knew him from somewhere. He had no idea he had worked with him on SNL.

Gilbert said he worked with Christopher Lloyd on something once and he had done ”Cyberchase” for 10 years. He said Katey Seagal worked with him on a show once and he was right up against her in a scene. He said that when he met them at an event once neither of them knew who he was.

Howard said he read that Gilbert was going to be Mumbles in the Dick Tracey movie but at the last minute they went with Dustin Hoffman. Gilbert said they told him they had him in mind for the part and then at the last second they went with Dustin Hoffman. He said that he met Warren Beatty and he was a fan for a short while.

Howard asked Gilbert if he’s going on a tour for his book. Gilbert said he’s doing The View today. Howard said they’re going to yell at him today about that Twitter thing today. Gilbert said he knows and he’s scared.

Howard gave Gilbert some plugs for his book signing at the Barnes and Noble in Union Square in New York City Thursday night. Howard said Gary went to a book signing once and all of the book store people had to get on line to make it look like there were more.

Howard said that Gilbert should refer to Sheri Sheppard as Star Jones today on The View. Gilbert laughed. Howard asked if he’s going to dress up for this show. Gilbert said his wife wanted him to. Gilbert said he’s on Twitter @RealGilbert and he has too.

Howard asked Gilbert about why he says that some of the stories in his book are not true. Gilbert said he starts stories off as true but then he’ll make them funny at the end. He said that they’re not completely true.

Gilbert once got stuck in the bathroom of his dressing room at the Tonight Show. Gilbert said he had to dig his way out of the bathroom. Howard said it sounds like it was like the movie with the guy who got his arm stuck. Gilbert said he had to chip his way out of the bathroom and he kept pounding and pounding cracking the door. He said he had to climb out and it was like Die Hard for him.

Howard said there was one touching story in the book about how he worked at a movie theater and he would time the sex scenes in the movie so he could go and watch and get back to work at the concession stand.

Howard said Gilbert also talks about working at a club and there were Mexican guys who would watch the women in the bathroom from the rafters. Gilbert said he saw them climb up like rats in the crawl space to look in the bathroom. Gilbert said they waved him up once and they boosted him up and they showed him what they were doing. He said they didn’t even speak English. He said they’d peek into the women’s bathroom where they had punched holes in the ceiling. He said they would watch the women going to the bathroom and you’d just see the tops of their heads.

Gilbert said he thought it was ”something different” but he was getting scared from the walls shaking. He said he could imagine falling through the ceiling. Howard said this is some book he wrote. He can say that he’s lived the life of a 3 year old most of his life.

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