Man Boob Contest

Howard sang a little bit and started naming the judges using their middle names. He mentioned Gary Patrick Dell’Abate, Arthur Steven Lange and Fred Eric Norris. They spent a little time on that subject before Howard pointed out that Benjy is eating a ton of salad over there at his desk. He said that he thinks that just because salad is good for you that you can eat a ton of it. He said he wasn’t going to let him judge, he changed his mind.

Howard said that he might get everyone’s opinion on the contest once they get started. He asked Fred if they had any theme music. They had nothing. Howard said that the first contestant was Shane. Shane came in and Howard said he’s a good looking guy but he doesn’t appear to be that fat. Shane said he’s about 260 pounds and 5’10” tall. He said he’s had the bitch tits since he was born. They’ve gotten bigger as he got heavier though.

Shane said that he was told that he’d always have them even if he got operated on. He said that they could come back even if he had them operated on. He said that they used to play games in school and he’d hate to play shirts vs. skins. He said that his coach would make him be skins even if he asked him not to make him do that.

Shane said that he’s unemployed right now because of a DUI he got. He was a truck driver and ended up losing his job over that DUI. He said he was separated from his wife and quite depressed. He said that he put her in a couple of head locks but never hit her or anything. He said that there were a few things that didn’t look right with the relationship. He said that he could see her bra when they were at a car dealer and thought that she was flirting with the salesman. He said he may have gotten a little carried away with her and did some stuff to her. He said that it was a little more than a head lock. He said that he may have called her some names and spit on her.

Shane talked about a dog he had that was shitting all over the place. He said that he was actually fired from one job because of his dog shitting on the property of another place. He told them that story and then a story about the dog shitting in his mother’s house. He said that he ended up slipping in the shit and piss and ended up spiking the dog into the ground like a football. He said that he might have a problem with his temper. Howard told the guy he can’t take it out on the dog or his wife.

Howard said that Shane seems to be a little obsessive and possessive. He said that she’s taking some time away from him right now but they’ll probably work things out. Howard asked if the wife laughed at his titties. Shane laughed and said that no woman has ever said anything negative about his chest to his face.

Howard had Shane take off his shirt so they could see his boobs. He took it off and the guys were shocked at how big they were. Howard asked if they had a bra there that they could have him try on. Howard asked how big his cup size would be if he was a woman. He didn’t know. Howard had him put on a bikini top so they could see what he looks like. Gange said that it was a size Large that they were giving him. He put the top on and got a few laughs from the guys. Shane said that some women like to play with his boobs like they’re women’s boobs. Howard said that he knows this guy has done some bad things but he seems like a nice guy other than that.

Howard said that Shane’s areola’s and nipples were really big too. The Howard TV guys shot him with some oil so his boobs would shine. Howard told the judges to remember Shane as they moved on to Jeffrey.

Up next was Jeffrey who claims he’s always had man boobs no matter how much he worked out. Jeffrey said that he was able to get his weight down in college but his boobs were always there. He said that he thinks that it was genetics that gave him the boobs. He said that he’s 27 and has a girlfriend. He said that his girlfriend is quite busty as well and she’ll pinch his boobs when he does that to hers and he’s really not into that.

Jeffrey said that he’s been listening to Howard since he was 8 years old. He said that his father introduced him to the show and he’s been listening ever since. Jeffrey said that Shane was looking like something out of National Geographic. He threw in a plug for his blog at

Howard asked Jeffrey to reveal his boobs after that. He said that his boobs weren’t near the size of Shane’s. He did have some pepperoni pizza nips though. Shane was making fun of him even though he’s got bigger boobs than this guy. Howard told Jeffrey to go stand over next to Shane.

Up next was Gary who was close to 400 pounds. He was their first white contestant. Gary said that he’s engaged to be married and the boobs haven’t stopped him from getting women. He said that this is going to be his third marriage. He said that he was the one who dumped the wives too. He said that he had a lazy second wife and the first one looked like a mess.

Howard told Gary that he might have a shot there from what he could see under his robe. Gary got in a plug for his buddies in the Lost Dutchman Motorcycle Club out in Arizona. He and Howard spent a minute talking about the riding club. Howard said he would never challenge a motorcycle club like that and he can’t imagine who would.

Howard asked Gary if he’s been in bar fights and stuff. Gary said that he has and he’s had his ass beaten and he’s beaten some asses. He said that he’s going to buy a new Harley if he wins this contest today.

Howard said it was time to see Gary’s boobs. He opened up his robe and revealed the giant man boobs. Artie asked him where he gets his jeans. He has a 62 inch waist. Artie is at a 55 already so he’s not that far off. Howard asked Gary if he looks at Artie and thinks he’s a thin guy. Gary said ”no” to that.

Howard said that Gary’s boobs were bigger than Shane’s were. He said that they were nice and wondered if he had ever put on a bra top. He said he hadn’t so they got a bikini top for him. They had a C-cup size for him but it may not be big enough for him. His boobs were falling out of the top and the guys were talking about how his boobs actually went all the way around his body. Gary was saying that he used to do meth and got down to about 200 pounds but he still had the boobs.

Howard brought in the final contestant, Alex, and Artie said that they had a winner. Alex said that he listens to the show every day and he weighs more than 300 pounds. He said that he likes to eat a lot of ham and turkey and stuff like that. He likes hot wings too. He doesn’t have a girlfriend but he did have a girl at one time. He said that she said no to him when he asked her to marry him. Alex said he’s 43 now and he last got laid when he was 18. Robin said that’s some slump.

Howard asked Alex what he does for sex. Alex said he beats off in the shower so it goes right down the drain. He said that he gets porn from a friend of his and he likes titties. Alex said that he would like to get a woman right now but he hasn’t had one in 25 years.

Alex is disabled and said that he can’t work. He had a job at his dad’s work but things didn’t work out. Gary told Howard that he was saying that he was a virgin when he was out in the green room. Alex said that was true. He tried to put his dick in a woman but she said no. He said that he got smacked. Artie was cracking up right from the time this guy walked into the studio so there must have been something going on with him that was odd. He had a strange way of talking and had an odd giggle that he kept doing.

Howard asked Alex some questions about his man boobs and if he plays with them thinking that it must be like playing with a woman’s. He said he does do that. He also said that he goes to the beach and doesn’t care what people think. Howard said he likes his attitude.

Howard asked Alex if he’s a slow adult. He said that he is. He can read and spell but he couldn’t come up with an answer to 2+7. Howard told Alex that he seemed like a nice guy. He hadn’t thrown a dog into the ground or put a woman in a headlock.

Howard asked Alex to open up his robe and show his boobs. Howard said they were the biggest titties he’d ever seen. Benjy let out an ”Oh my god!” Howard said that he was going to have a hard time with the judging. He said that Jeffrey was the only one who didn’t have a chance against the rest of the guys.

Howard wondered who was the biggest. He was thinking that Alex was the biggest. Everyone checked them out and then Howard asked him to put on a bikini top. He tried to stuff them in but his nip was sticking out the bottom.

Alex was there with a handler and he has to keep an eye on him while he’s out. Alex said that he can get into some trouble when he’s out on his own. Gary said that they could bring that guy in if he wanted. Howard told him to bring him in.

Gary brought in this guy Albert who handles Alex. Albert was the guy who got him into the contest. He said that he’s a great dude but he can overeat and he’s a diabetic so he has to keep an eye on him. Gary asked if they could leave him alone in a house for 3 days. They can’t do that. Artie said that he could use a handler himself based on what he just said.

Howard said that all of these guys had jeans that fit, unlike Artie’s. Howard said that he was going to go to Robin first and ask her to make her pick. Robin picked Alex. Alex said that he’s going to buy clothes with the money if he wins. Gary asked if this contest is based on size. He said that Alex had the biggest of them all but Shane’s were the most woman like. He wasn’t sure what they were going for there. Howard didn’t know either.

Howard said that Gary and Alex had the biggest boobs but Shane had a real cup there. Gary went with Alex after going through some thoughts on what they should be going for. Howard went to Fred next. Fred said that this is tough and it’s not the slam dunk contest that he thought it was going to be. He said that it was a very tough choice. He was going between Alex and Shane. Shane’s boobs were the prettiest of them all. He had to go with Alex.

Howard moved on to Artie who said that he wanted to see Gange’s again first. Howard told him he’s not in the contest. Artie went on to say that he thinks that the really fat guys could lose some weight and he had to go with Shane because he has a real problem.

Howard went to Will next and asked him who he thought should win. Will said that he had to go with Shane because he has real ”boobs.” Howard said he was still confused by this Alex guy and how he almost had this woman. He asked what had gone on that day and how close he came. He said that he had the woman naked and played with her boobs but he didn’t get to blow his load.

Howard gave Benjy a shot to give his vote. Benjy told Jeffrey he didn’t have a shot. He said that if Alex got his nipples centered it would help his boobs out a lot. He had to go with Shane.

Howard said that it was tied at that point so he was going to break the tie. He had the guys do some jumping jacks and that led to Artie laughing his ass off. Howard told Gary that he was out of the contest but he was leaning toward voting for him. He said that he had to pick one of the two in the tie. He ended up picking Alex over Shane even though he had such nice tits. He said that he’s got better tits than a lot of women do. They put a wig on him and Artie said he looked like Oprah.

Alex was the winner so Howard told Shane that maybe they could give him a second prize or something. Gary said that they did have $500 cash for each of the guys who didn’t win. That was courtesy of Bee Ceuticals.

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