Howard took a call from a guy, Joe, who said he was calling in about the porn stuff. He said he knows what it’s like to be into weird things like Howard is. Joe said he’s into cream pies and pregnancy porn and he had no idea that he’d be into it. Howard said it disturbs the hell out of him that he likes the babysitter stuff. The caller told Howard about what the cream pie thing is and also told them that he loves the show and it helps him get through his day. Joe is in the military so Howard thanked him for that. He asked if he has ever shot an enemy. Joe said he never talks about that. Howard said he never talks about his service in Viet Nam either. Howard said he keeps his mouth shut. The caller said a kill is a kill. Howard asked if he ever talks about it. Joe said he tries to keep it inside. He doesn’t want people to think he’s a braggart or anything. Howard told Joe how he got spit on when he came back from Nam. The caller kept calling Howard ”Mister” so Howard said he kind of liked that.
The caller said he’s kind of in the public eye and he doesn’t want to brag about what he’s been through. He said he sees a lot of young kids who are disrespectful these days but there are some kids who are willing to join the service.
Howard said he used to go on bivouac and Robin called him out on that word because she didn’t think he knew what it meant. Howard wanted the caller to tell them what it meant. Robin said it’s when you camp out. Howard was saying it like it was when he’d get some time off from the service.
Howard asked the caller how he jerks off. The caller told Howard how they do it and how often he can do it. He said that they have to deal with the flies and the smell of shit in the portable shitters. He said that they can use iPods and things like that if they have one. He said that they may borrow each other’s computers too. Howard said he would imagine that it would be a good time to goof on Joes while they’re doing it. He said it’s great that they respect you enough to leave you alone.
Howard asked Joe if he gets his balls busted for watching cream pies and pregnancy porn. Joe said that it’s not a problem.
Howard asked Joe when he cums with the cream pie thing. Joe said that he kind of gets off in the middle of it. He said he likes the sound of the girl getting into it. Howard said he imagines being in the middle of Iraq and beating off. He said he thinks he could kill the enemy no problem but talking about beating off would be tough.
Howard asked Joe if he’s still in the military. The caller said that he’s not deployed right now. He said there are a lot of guys who have done more time than he did. Howard asked if he’s in the service for life. He said that he might as well be.
Howard told Joe that he was over in Nam and he took the teeth out of the teacher’s head from the school he blew up. He said he used the teeth as checkers on a checker board. Howard wanted Joe to share a story too. Joe jokingly said he killed a dog but took that back.
Howard said he admires this caller. He said he’s like a super hero to him. The caller said they do their part and Howard is doing his part for the country. Howard asked if he’s lost any friends. Joe said that he did lose some guys and it bothers him. He said there are guys who he told he could get home and he wasn’t able to keep that promise.
Howard said he’s pretty sure that all of his guys would have come back dead. He said they would have hated him and they probably would have killed themselves.
Sal came in and told Howard about the cream pie porn. He said that it can get even worse when the guys suck their own semen out of the women. He said he has seen it and he can’t deal with it. The caller, Joe, said he doesn’t get into that either. Sal told Howard and Joe about some other stuff that these women do with the cream pie things. Joe wasn’t into all of that. Howard said he was going to put Joe on hold and have Sal send him some free porn. Howard said he sounds like his kind of guy. Howard said he’s proud of him and told him not to stop killing the enemy.
Howard asked what kind of guns he carried. He said he carried an M204 and an M9 among others. Howard asked what his favorite is. He said he prefers the 556. He said you can take people out from a distance. He said he’s a good marksman too. He said he qualified as an expert in his last test. Howard said that’s so much better than video games. Joe said that there is no reset button in real life.
Joe thanked Howard again for helping him get through the day. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Joe before letting him go.
Howard had some audio from the porn he was watching last night. He said that JD had pulled that for him. Howard played the clip and described what was going on in the clip. Howard said he was busy beating off to this stuff. Robin said that he’s just doing this radio show and there are senators and Presidents who do this kind of thing.
Howard played more of the clip and the babysitter is talking on the phone to her friend as the grandfather walks in. Howard cut it off and said he has to get to the porn star pageant. Howard said all of the women who are competing today have been with Charlie Sheen. Howard said this is going to be great.
Sal told Howard there’s a new fetish out there where big fat black guys bang really petite white women who are forced to beg for black babies. He told Howard what they’re like. Howard told him to pull some dialog from those. Sal said he would do that. Sal told Howard that they have that stuff on a site called XHamster. Howard told him to go back and pull some clips.