Get My Grandfather Laid Contest Winner Dies

An 86-year-old man who won a free ménage-a-trois at the famous Bunny Ranch choked to death on a piece of steak shortly before his promised night of carnal delight, said brothel owner Dennis Hof.

The elderly widower choked on a celebratory Steak dinner in Lake Tahoe Thursday night just hours before having sex for the first time since his beloved wife died over a decade ago.

Johnny Orris, shortly before his last meal, said he was looking forward to “the greatest day of my life” — only to die Thursday on the floor of a Nevada restaurant.

“The guy was so full of life,” said his grandson Ed, who entered Orris in a Howard Stern-sponsored contest for a night of passion at the Nevada brothel.

“He was on cloud nine, and anxious to get back to the Bunny Ranch,” said the 49-year-old grandson, who stopped by the pleasure palace with gramps that afternoon. “He told one of the girls, ‘I’m gonna be back here at 9 o’clock — you’d better be ready!’”

Hof was astounded when Ed returned to the ranch with word of the balding, bespectacled prize winner’s sudden demise before the grand finale of his all-expenses-paid trip.

“Johnny said that he was prepping for the ‘Super Bowl of Sex,’ ” said Hof. “And he never got there.”

World’s Saddest Listener Contest

Howard came back and said they have a $10,000 prize to give away, courtesy of Cheetah Power Surge, in the World’s Saddest Listener contest. He said he was going to bring in Asian Pete first. He said he’s going to be a good judge for this contest. Howard said Pete used to be Pete the Asian Virgin but he lost his virginity. Howard said he’s a good looking guy but he’s kind of weird. He speaks funny even though he grew up in the United States. He has a speech impediment but he went to a regular school. He thinks that he’s of normal intelligence. Pete said he has a high school diploma.

Howard asked Pete if he knows why he’s there. Pete said it’s for a contest. He tried to say saddest listener but it didn’t sound like that. Gary said he wants to have him in the next IQ test. He figured he’d have a 65 IQ or so.

Robin asked if Pete has a job. Pete said he does and he works in something that sounded like Styrofoam. He was actually saying cell phone. He sells the phones. Robin said that’s crazy. Howard asked here he works. He works in a phone store. Howard asked if he tells people about the phones. Pete said he does and he likes Verizon best. Howard asked what phone he would sell him. He said something unintelligible. Howard asked if he knew what 8×7 was. Pete said no. Robin asked how he can sell phones if he can’t do math. Pete said he works 3-4 days a week.

Howard said he heard he was hitting on Rachel Fine, Richie Wilson’s girl. Pete said no. Howard said he heard he was sending her love letters.

Howard asked when Pete last got pussy. Pete said it was like a week ago. Howard asked if she was normal. He said she was. Howard asked if he’s been going out with her. It turns out it was just a one shot deal. Pete said he gets it frequently. Howard said he’s going to be a good judge today.

Howard told Pete to just hang out during the break and they’ll get to the contest.

World’s Saddest Listener Contest – Ray
After the break Howard came back and said they have more judges in this contest. It’s not just Asian Pete. Howard said they have $10,000 to give away. Howard said they have 3 players, Ray, Dave and Bobby. Howard said Bobby looks like he’s had it pretty tough. Dave too. Ray didn’t look so sad. Howard said he’d start with Ray.
Ray said he didn’t even know what the prize was until a couple of days ago. Howard said that’s because he’s the replacement player for the guy who died. Ray went on to tell his story. He said his wife gave birth to their child last year. She had really bad pain during the pregnancy and it turns out she had cancer. She died 8 months after the diagnosis. Now he’s left with a 15 year old child without a mother. Ray said it’s really tough. He said they never had an argument in the 9 years they were together. He said in 2003 she had a benign cyst removed and she shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant. Howard asked if he has someone to help take care of the kid. He said he has some family around and his sister has 4 kids of her own. She has the baby today but it’s really tough.

Ray said he started a job last year on the same day she was diagnosed. He said he had to take a leave of absence and he went to the hospital and they told him they couldn’t do anything else for her. She would have been 36 years old on March 31st of this year. Ray said he took that leave and the job laid him off. He said he doesn’t have a job now either. Ray said she had to fly home to be with her family in England. He said she wasn’t able to fly commercially so he had to take a private jet to get her around. He said he flew her to England and that used up most of his life savings.

Howard said he has to get a new wife in there and get her working. Ray told Howard that he feels that people know he’s sad and it’s tough to find a woman. Howard asked if he has anger about the kid. He said he’s losing his mind but it’s not fair to blame the child or his wife. He said he also owes money to the city and that’s about $4,400. He said he should pay that off and then buy as much heroin as he can and overdose.

Howard said that’s a sad story. He asked Pete if he understood what was going on. Pete said he has a baby and no job basically. Howard asked if he ever thought of giving the baby up for adoption. Ray said no. He said he needs that child to just go away for a month or so. He said he needs to recoup. He said that seeing his wife decay the way she did was the toughest thing. He told Howard to go give his dad a hug if he’s still around.

Howard asked if the wife got to see the child. Ray said she did get to spent a little time with the baby. He said she had about 4 months of time out of the 8 months she had left. Howard asked when he last had sex. He said it was about 2 years ago. Ray said he doesn’t even care about money.

Howard said maybe Pete can sell Ray a phone. Pete said something that no one understood. Howard said he’s going to let Ray go and get to Dave.

World’s Saddest Listener Contest – Dave
Howard moved on to Dave and said he looks like a mess. He said his outfit was a mess. He has really bad hair too. Dave said back in 2006 he was working full time as an IT manager. He said he had a wife and son and it was going okay. He was going home on a Vespa scooter. He only had a 7 mile commute. He said he was 2 miles away from home and a 16 year old made an illegal left turn and hit him 4 times. He hit him twice and then hit him two more times trying to get away from him. Ray chuckled. Howard asked what was so funny. Dave said that the kid tried to turn the car around and caught him on th bumper which ripped it off the car. He said that he shattered his right knee and broke his leg. He said the bones were sticking up through the muscle and skin. He was lucky to be alive. He said he had broken a bunch of ribs and a bunch of other bones. He said his helmet had cracked in half. He had a head injury too.
Dave said he’s had 14 surgeries on his leg. He said a nurse sneezed into his open wound while changing the dressing. That led to him getting an infection in the leg because of that. He said the bone got infected and that led to his bone getting eaten away. He showed everyone what his leg looks like. The leg was giant according to the guys. Dave said they operated on the leg and took some muscle and grafted it on to that leg.

Dave said his wife had back problems from helping him move around. Dave said it turns out her disks were starting to break down in her back. Pete was smiling during that story so Robin and Howard asked what’s going on there. Pete didn’t explain.

Dave said he and his wife are both disabled. He said that they are able to take care of each other though. He said the kid that hit him only got a ticket for making an illegal left and he beat that ticket. Howard said Dave says he would kill himself if he didn’t have an 8 year old son. Dave said it is something he would think about but he’s tired of being a burden on his wife. He said he has metal in his leg and if he doesn’t win this money he’s going to have that leg amputated. Robin asked if he could sue the hospital since the nurse sneezed on him. Dave said that he’d have to have loss of life or loss of limb to sue. He can’t sue now because the time has passed.

Dave said that there is one guy who can do the work to clean out the infected stuff but he needs that money. He said if he doesn’t get it then he’s going to lose his leg.

Howard said these stories are bad. Ray said that Dave was calling the lawyer a ”weasel” and he was basically calling him a Jew. Ray said Benjy got that too. Howard didn’t think that’s what he was saying. Howard said this is not good for Dave and Ray. They still have Bobby to get to.

World’s Saddest Listener Contest – Bobby
Howard moved on to Bobby who is a gay man. Bobby said he hasn’t had sex in 4 years, 4 months and 22 days. He said he used to be 500 pounds and he’s lost 42 pounds doing Robin’s diet. Bobby said his mother was 13 when she gave birth to him. He said that when he was 3 1/2 years old he saw his mother get raped by her landlord. The guy threw him out a second story window because he saw it happen. Bobby said he remembers that like it was yesterday.
Bobby said it gets worse. He moved to Cleveland and when he was 6 his mother was addicted to crack and she was a prostitute. She left them with no one and left them homeless. She never came home and they lived on their own for a long time. Bobby said he was so smart that he was able to get her welfare card to get food and stuff. He said they lived at home for about 8 months. His grandparents were the ones who found them living alone and eating spoon’s of mayonnaise.

bobby said his mom came back around the time he was 8. A 32 year old neighbor was allowed to sodomize him. He had to suck the guy’s dick. Howard asked if she would stand there and watch. Bobby said that his mother would just give him to this guy.

Bobby said that his mom married another guy who ended up murdering someone. He said the guy was 6’6” and he beat a jockey to death. Bobby said that this guy went to jail about 4 months after he married his mom. She took him back into the home when he got out. The guy would crawl on top of him and fuck him in the ass at the age of 12. He said he made himself homeless and got out of there.

Bobby said he met his dad who used to be a drug addict who found Jesus. He said he would get the shit beat out of him for being gay when he was there. He said his dad’s wife hated him. He got married at 17 to a girl to stop from getting beat up. He said he got married, got a culinary degree and then his wife found out that he was gay. He said he went down on her once and she was wiping from back to front and she had poop on her vagina so he told her he was done and got out of that marriage.

Bobby said he met a gay man on Gay.com and lived with him for 6 months. He said the guy became very controlling and he would beat the hell out of him on a weekly basis. He said that’s all he ever knew. He said he has scars on his face from getting a Jack Daniels bottle smashed on his face. He was in a coma for months. He said it gets worse.

Bobby said 9 years into the relationship they were doing good. He said that he moved away for a while. He said they had a great relationship but the guy was HIV positive and they became close again. He said they started the process to adopt a kid. He said they got a girl from Mexico and a few months later the guy left for a pack of cigarettes and he ended up getting smashed by a car and dragged for 4 miles. He said that he got his shoe and part of his food. He said he was completely obliterated. The very next day his parents showed up. He said he had never completed the paperwork so his parents took the child away and threw him out of the house. Bobby said they gave him 24 hours to clear out.

Bobby said he moved to North Carolina and he was making $60,000 a year working and wrestling. Then he came out of the closet and got fired from the wrestling thing. Bobby said he met another man and got into a relationship. He said he had a gall bladder explode so he had to go the hospital and the guy he was with ended up ripping him off. He was left with nothing again.

Bobby said he got cancer and then met another nice man. The guy found out he was half Jewish and the guy was from Lebanon and he hates Jews. He said for the last 2 and a half years he gets beaten up by this guy. He has nowhere to go and no family to go to. He said he is attracted to this guy and loves him but he beats the hell out of him. He said he got beat up in the grocery store recently. He also said he got ripped off by a girl that was going to have a baby for them.

World’s Saddest Listener Contest – And The Winner Is… 04/28/11. 9:00am
Howard said that was a really sad story too. He said it was time to figure out the winner. Howard took a call from a guy who said that the first guy should win. Another caller said that the last guy’s story didn’t sound real. Another caller said that Ray needs to get out of the house and get a job. He said he has a kid to take care of and he should just get a job.
Another caller said that he had a job for Ray but he can’t have him saying anti-Semitic things. Ray said he didn’t say it, he was just pointing it out. Ray said that’s what it sounded like to him and that’s the way he heard it. Howard said he had Bobby’s boyfriend on the phone. It was actually clips of Iron Sheik yelling at him.

Howard said all three of them could use the money. He said he’s struggling between two of them. He said he’d get Pete’s vote first though. Howard asked Pete what he thinks. Pete said he thinks that Ray should win. He said he’s got the kid and he needs money.

Howard said Pete is a man of few words but he makes sense. Howard asked Fred for his vote. Fred said this was very tough. He said he thinks that the two saddest stories are Dave and Bobby’s. He said Ray is having a tough time too but he thinks he can get through it. He said he thinks he has to give his vote to Bobby.

Howard asked Robin for her vote. Robin said her dilemma is between Ray and Dave. She said that Bobby can turn his life around. She said he keeps making bad choices and stays with a man who beats him. Robin said he has nothing holding him back but himself. Robin said that she’s left with Ray and Dave. Robin said she’s going to vote for Dave. She said that he’s going to lose a limb if he doesn’t win.

Howard said it comes down to Ray, Dave and Bobby. They all have one vote. Howard said he has the winning vote. Dave said he has something he left out. He said he has a rod in his leg that goes so high up that they can’t give him a prosthetic. He said he’ll be in a wheelchair.

Howard said he has the final vote and any one of them could win. Howard said it’s all based on him. Fuck everything else. Howard said he’s stuck with that face. Howard said Ray has a sad story. Dave and Bobby do too. He said the answer is clear to him who should win. He said when he sees a guy about to lose his leg he has to give him the 10 grand. Howard said he has some prizes for the other two but he has to give his vote to Dave. Howard said he thinks that Ray is going to be okay. He gave him $500 courtesy of ”POM Wonderful Presents the Greatest Movie Ever Made.”

Howard said Ray will get through this. He said he knows he has to go back to the real world but he can do it. Howard said Bobby has been fucked in the ass by life. He said he could get his shit together too and get out of that abusive relationship. He said he thinks he can do it. He said he’s a good man and a nice man.

Ralph called in and said that he heard the fat guy and there can’t be anyone more miserable than that. Howard said he has had a terrible life. Ralph said he was with that guy for days on end getting fucked. Howard said this other guy is going to lose his leg.

Howard said they had someone there to present the check to Dave. Howard said that the person was from Cheetah Power Surge. Howard gave them some plugs and let this guy Frank present the check to Dave. Frank presented the check to him and said he hopes it does for him what it needs to do. Dave thanked him and said that it means the difference between having one leg and having no leg. Howard thanked the guys for playing.

Worst Penis Injury Contest

Howard came back and said it was time to judge the Worst Penis Injury Contest. He said they narrowed it down to 3 horrible penis injury stories. He said they had thousands of entries. Howard said that it was time to get ready for the tingling in your balls when you hear a horrible story. Howard said they have 3 men coming in to show their penis injuries. Eric, David and John were the contestants.

Howard had the guys all come in and said that he’s sure they all wish they didn’t have any injury. OF course he was right. Howard said men love their penises and they are a source of pleasure. One of the guys said he prefers a vagina to get pleasure. Howard said this was going to be tough to decide. He said that Benjy will be the tie breaker. He’s hoping that they don’t have a tie so he can keep his mic turned off.

Howard went to Eric first. He asked what happened to his penis. Eric is 31. 10 years ago he was out partying for his 21st birthday. He said he did 21 shots and ended up passing out. He said he was out in the cold and ended up waking up in the hospital. He said they had to try to revive him. He said his body temperature was down to 92 degrees. He said they had a tray of shots and he did one after the other. He said he woke up in the hospital strapped down and his parents were standing over him thinking he was dead. He said had a catheter in his penis. They told him the next day they weren’t able to get it out. Eric said he was in the middle of a hallway and all of the doctors were trying to tug it out. They had to do surgery to get it out.

Eric said later that day his scrotum was swollen and a black and blue mess. He said it was really painful. Eric said they inflated a balloon in his penis and it burst his urethra. He said they destroyed it. Eric said they let him out of the hospital the next day and told him he’d be alright. Eric said he was 21 at the time and all of his friends were parading their girls by as he had a piss bag next to him. He said he went to the doctor to get that taken out and the guy pulled it out and then he peed. He said he went home the next day he went to pee and he didn’t hear anything. He looked down and he was pissing out of his scrotum. He didn’t know what the hell was going on. He said they had made an incision in his scrotum to get the catheter out and the urine was coming out of that hole.

Howard asked if he can pee now. Eric said he can now but it’s been 10 years. He said that he still has a problem with his erection. He said that it’s kind of like a bow and arrow. He said it bent his penis in a weird shape. He said when he gets an erection the skin is so tight that it pulls to the right. Howard asked if it’s painful during sex. Eric said it is. He said he has to deal with the pain. Eric said he’s engaged so his wife is the only one who sees ”Frankenstein.”

Howard said that story was rough to get through. Gary asked if they were going to see the penis. Howard said he could wait until the other stories are told.

Howard moved on to David next. David said he has a penis and a nut injury. He was 15 years old when he was playing basketball. One of the guys got a hunting rifle for his 14th birthday. David said he was a boy scout so he knew gun safety and didn’t want anything to do with it. He said he was across the room and the kid drew the gun down at him and he pulled his leg up to flinch and before he asked what he was doing, the gun went off. David said he jumped up and ran downstairs. He said he ran around the kitchen table not knowing what happened. He said it felt like a burst of air hitting him. He said he collapsed in the bathroom upstairs. He said that the kid told him not to bleed on his mother’s carpet as he was laying there bleeding.

David said he told his friends to call his mother. He said he knew he was bleeding down there somewhere but he didn’t know where. His mother came over and she’s a nurse. She called an ambulance and a half hour had gone by at that point. He got to the hospital and they prepped him for surgery. The bullet went through is right leg and went into his right testicular sack and went through his penis into his left testicular sack and into his left leg. He said the bullet is still in his leg. They told him they’d do more damage if they removed it. He said they were going to cut his balls off but his father told them to save them. David said he went to another hospital and spent a couple of weeks there. He said there was no permanent injurers to the testicles other than the fact that he can’t have children. He said that the bullet clipped it in a way that it kind of gave him a vasectomy. He said he has a lot of pain when he orgasms. He has the pain for like 5-10 minutes after.

Howard asked where the kid is that shot him. David said they didn’t talk much after that incident. He said they sued but he wasn’t a wealthy guy. He said he doesn’t even see the money until he’s like Howard’s age either. Robin said that’s horrible. Howard agreed.

Howard said they had one more story to hear from John. John is 56. He said back in 2006 he had a pimple on his butt on Christmas morning. He said the next day he woke up and it was really painful. He got some pills and then a few days later his balls were black and swollen. He said that he was in such pain. He said he went to the hospital and was put into a coma. He said that they had to cut away all of the skin from his scrotum. They removed the skin from the head of his penis to around and up. He said that he was gangrene so they had to remove the skin. He said d he was in the coma for 28 days. He said they left the head of the penis. John said they took the skin down to the muscle all the way down the shaft. He said they went all the way across his abdomen and his left side. He said they had to relocate his rectum to where his balls used to be. He said he had his balls put inside his body but he had to have one removed because of where they put it. It was in the crease of his leg so when he’d drive it would crush his ball. John said that he was told that most people who have this don’t survive.

Howard and Robin sounded like they were in shock. Howard asked if he can shit standing up. John said he can’t. He said his penis is actually scar tissue from the head back. He said he has to put on a pain patch when he showers because it’s so painful. John said they used something called Aquacell on there and they did 28 sheets per bandage and they did dressing changes every 8 hours for 4 months.

John said the surgeon told him that they could actually see the gangrene spreading as they cut the skin away. He said they had to go in and cut more away after the initial surgery. Gary said he’s not sure he wants to see this. Howard said he’s not sure either. John told him that they’ll be fine.

Will Murray asked how he shits. He didn’t understand how it worked. John said it’s basically in the taint area now. Robin helped with that description.

Howard asked the guys if they wanted to show anything. David said that there wasn’t much to see there. Eric said he wanted to see John first. John pulled down his pants and showed them where his testicle was located. It was above his penis. Fred played the ”Psycho” theme as he showed it. Howard asked if the surgeon was high when he put his testicle above his penis. He asked if that was Dr. Picasso or something. Howard said he felt their pain but he thinks that he knows who he’s voting for.

Robin asked what a penis injury really means. Gary said that’s what they discussed in a meeting. Howard said that this guy was done in by a pimple. David said that he didn’t get to enjoy his penis since he had his injury at 14. Eric said that his injury was bad because he was 21 at the time. Howard asked Eric if he saw where John’s testicle was. He said he did.

Howard said that he considers them all to have injured penises in some way. He said they all had injuries but the worst story has to be John. Howard said the other guys have to admit that. Howard said poor John has been through a lot. John is going through it in spades. His ball is like a unicorn. Howard said that the other guys are fucking and John is not. John said he had a good life before this. Robin asked if he pleasures his wife in other ways. John said it’s hard to understand after going through this. He said he can’t do it the right way. Howard said he can’t get any pleasure out of it so there’s no point.

Howard asked John if he can get any pleasure in his life. John said he enjoys life but there is no masturbation or anything. Howard said there’s nothing funny about John’s story. He said that it seems obvious that John is suffering the most. Howard said he has to vote for John.

Robin said she doesn’t think she can do anything but vote for John. Howard asked Eric if he would vote for John. Eric said he would. He said it’s the most fucked up thing he’s ever heard. Gary went with John too. Fred said that he’s surprised that the other guys were still there and not on a bus heading home. Howard said they’re lucky enough to have John in there. John said just coming there was the best. Howard said it’s tough for all three of them.

Howard told the guys that he broke his toe and that’s a horrible story. Howard said that has fucked up his life and it’s just a broken toe. Howard said that’s nothing compared to what these guys went through. Howard said that John would feel good about himself if he showed him his penis.

Howard said John has won $5,000 from the movie Jackass 3D. Gary said they can give the other guys $355.50 each thanks to 7-Eleven. Howard asked John what he’s going to do with the money. John said that he got laid off so that money will help him out. Howard said that’s a shame. John was working in electronics when he got laid off. Howard said he may have a career as a porn star. John said he didn’t think so.

Howard said this was a horrible segment. He said he was sad for all of them. Howard said that John is in a bad way but he seems like a great guy. The other guys were saying that they should have slipped something to John to keep him from showing up today.

Howard took a call from a guy who said that he’s a doctor and this gangrene thing can happen to anyone. He had a name for the gangrene that John had. He said that the only treatment is to remove the skin. He said it’s from the bacteria MRSA. The guy said that this can come from different places and everyone could be colonized and not even know it. Howard thanked him for the call, wrapped up and went to break.