Howard came back and said it was time to judge the Worst Penis Injury Contest. He said they narrowed it down to 3 horrible penis injury stories. He said they had thousands of entries. Howard said that it was time to get ready for the tingling in your balls when you hear a horrible story. Howard said they have 3 men coming in to show their penis injuries. Eric, David and John were the contestants.
Howard had the guys all come in and said that he’s sure they all wish they didn’t have any injury. OF course he was right. Howard said men love their penises and they are a source of pleasure. One of the guys said he prefers a vagina to get pleasure. Howard said this was going to be tough to decide. He said that Benjy will be the tie breaker. He’s hoping that they don’t have a tie so he can keep his mic turned off.
Howard went to Eric first. He asked what happened to his penis. Eric is 31. 10 years ago he was out partying for his 21st birthday. He said he did 21 shots and ended up passing out. He said he was out in the cold and ended up waking up in the hospital. He said they had to try to revive him. He said his body temperature was down to 92 degrees. He said they had a tray of shots and he did one after the other. He said he woke up in the hospital strapped down and his parents were standing over him thinking he was dead. He said had a catheter in his penis. They told him the next day they weren’t able to get it out. Eric said he was in the middle of a hallway and all of the doctors were trying to tug it out. They had to do surgery to get it out.
Eric said later that day his scrotum was swollen and a black and blue mess. He said it was really painful. Eric said they inflated a balloon in his penis and it burst his urethra. He said they destroyed it. Eric said they let him out of the hospital the next day and told him he’d be alright. Eric said he was 21 at the time and all of his friends were parading their girls by as he had a piss bag next to him. He said he went to the doctor to get that taken out and the guy pulled it out and then he peed. He said he went home the next day he went to pee and he didn’t hear anything. He looked down and he was pissing out of his scrotum. He didn’t know what the hell was going on. He said they had made an incision in his scrotum to get the catheter out and the urine was coming out of that hole.
Howard asked if he can pee now. Eric said he can now but it’s been 10 years. He said that he still has a problem with his erection. He said that it’s kind of like a bow and arrow. He said it bent his penis in a weird shape. He said when he gets an erection the skin is so tight that it pulls to the right. Howard asked if it’s painful during sex. Eric said it is. He said he has to deal with the pain. Eric said he’s engaged so his wife is the only one who sees ”Frankenstein.”
Howard said that story was rough to get through. Gary asked if they were going to see the penis. Howard said he could wait until the other stories are told.
Howard moved on to David next. David said he has a penis and a nut injury. He was 15 years old when he was playing basketball. One of the guys got a hunting rifle for his 14th birthday. David said he was a boy scout so he knew gun safety and didn’t want anything to do with it. He said he was across the room and the kid drew the gun down at him and he pulled his leg up to flinch and before he asked what he was doing, the gun went off. David said he jumped up and ran downstairs. He said he ran around the kitchen table not knowing what happened. He said it felt like a burst of air hitting him. He said he collapsed in the bathroom upstairs. He said that the kid told him not to bleed on his mother’s carpet as he was laying there bleeding.
David said he told his friends to call his mother. He said he knew he was bleeding down there somewhere but he didn’t know where. His mother came over and she’s a nurse. She called an ambulance and a half hour had gone by at that point. He got to the hospital and they prepped him for surgery. The bullet went through is right leg and went into his right testicular sack and went through his penis into his left testicular sack and into his left leg. He said the bullet is still in his leg. They told him they’d do more damage if they removed it. He said they were going to cut his balls off but his father told them to save them. David said he went to another hospital and spent a couple of weeks there. He said there was no permanent injurers to the testicles other than the fact that he can’t have children. He said that the bullet clipped it in a way that it kind of gave him a vasectomy. He said he has a lot of pain when he orgasms. He has the pain for like 5-10 minutes after.
Howard asked where the kid is that shot him. David said they didn’t talk much after that incident. He said they sued but he wasn’t a wealthy guy. He said he doesn’t even see the money until he’s like Howard’s age either. Robin said that’s horrible. Howard agreed.
Howard said they had one more story to hear from John. John is 56. He said back in 2006 he had a pimple on his butt on Christmas morning. He said the next day he woke up and it was really painful. He got some pills and then a few days later his balls were black and swollen. He said that he was in such pain. He said he went to the hospital and was put into a coma. He said that they had to cut away all of the skin from his scrotum. They removed the skin from the head of his penis to around and up. He said that he was gangrene so they had to remove the skin. He said d he was in the coma for 28 days. He said they left the head of the penis. John said they took the skin down to the muscle all the way down the shaft. He said they went all the way across his abdomen and his left side. He said they had to relocate his rectum to where his balls used to be. He said he had his balls put inside his body but he had to have one removed because of where they put it. It was in the crease of his leg so when he’d drive it would crush his ball. John said that he was told that most people who have this don’t survive.
Howard and Robin sounded like they were in shock. Howard asked if he can shit standing up. John said he can’t. He said his penis is actually scar tissue from the head back. He said he has to put on a pain patch when he showers because it’s so painful. John said they used something called Aquacell on there and they did 28 sheets per bandage and they did dressing changes every 8 hours for 4 months.
John said the surgeon told him that they could actually see the gangrene spreading as they cut the skin away. He said they had to go in and cut more away after the initial surgery. Gary said he’s not sure he wants to see this. Howard said he’s not sure either. John told him that they’ll be fine.
Will Murray asked how he shits. He didn’t understand how it worked. John said it’s basically in the taint area now. Robin helped with that description.
Howard asked the guys if they wanted to show anything. David said that there wasn’t much to see there. Eric said he wanted to see John first. John pulled down his pants and showed them where his testicle was located. It was above his penis. Fred played the ”Psycho” theme as he showed it. Howard asked if the surgeon was high when he put his testicle above his penis. He asked if that was Dr. Picasso or something. Howard said he felt their pain but he thinks that he knows who he’s voting for.
Robin asked what a penis injury really means. Gary said that’s what they discussed in a meeting. Howard said that this guy was done in by a pimple. David said that he didn’t get to enjoy his penis since he had his injury at 14. Eric said that his injury was bad because he was 21 at the time. Howard asked Eric if he saw where John’s testicle was. He said he did.
Howard said that he considers them all to have injured penises in some way. He said they all had injuries but the worst story has to be John. Howard said the other guys have to admit that. Howard said poor John has been through a lot. John is going through it in spades. His ball is like a unicorn. Howard said that the other guys are fucking and John is not. John said he had a good life before this. Robin asked if he pleasures his wife in other ways. John said it’s hard to understand after going through this. He said he can’t do it the right way. Howard said he can’t get any pleasure out of it so there’s no point.
Howard asked John if he can get any pleasure in his life. John said he enjoys life but there is no masturbation or anything. Howard said there’s nothing funny about John’s story. He said that it seems obvious that John is suffering the most. Howard said he has to vote for John.
Robin said she doesn’t think she can do anything but vote for John. Howard asked Eric if he would vote for John. Eric said he would. He said it’s the most fucked up thing he’s ever heard. Gary went with John too. Fred said that he’s surprised that the other guys were still there and not on a bus heading home. Howard said they’re lucky enough to have John in there. John said just coming there was the best. Howard said it’s tough for all three of them.
Howard told the guys that he broke his toe and that’s a horrible story. Howard said that has fucked up his life and it’s just a broken toe. Howard said that’s nothing compared to what these guys went through. Howard said that John would feel good about himself if he showed him his penis.
Howard said John has won $5,000 from the movie Jackass 3D. Gary said they can give the other guys $355.50 each thanks to 7-Eleven. Howard asked John what he’s going to do with the money. John said that he got laid off so that money will help him out. Howard said that’s a shame. John was working in electronics when he got laid off. Howard said he may have a career as a porn star. John said he didn’t think so.
Howard said this was a horrible segment. He said he was sad for all of them. Howard said that John is in a bad way but he seems like a great guy. The other guys were saying that they should have slipped something to John to keep him from showing up today.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he’s a doctor and this gangrene thing can happen to anyone. He had a name for the gangrene that John had. He said that the only treatment is to remove the skin. He said it’s from the bacteria MRSA. The guy said that this can come from different places and everyone could be colonized and not even know it. Howard thanked him for the call, wrapped up and went to break.