Howard had Lisa Lampanelli come in. He apologized to her for the delay. Howard asked if she has ever had double penetration. Lisa joked that she had so Howard asked her about fucking Charlie Sheen. Lisa joked that he had been with Jon Cryer. Howard and Lisa joked about a bunch of stuff that Kacey Jordan had just talked about.
Howard asked Lisa bout the Comedy Central special, Tough Love, she has coming up. That’s coming up in April but Lisa said that they cut out 4 of her favorite jokes. She said she had one about Chaz Bono and said ”Who knew that Sonny Bono crashing into a tree would be the second biggest tragedy in Cher’s life…” She also made a joke where she compared a black person to a chimp and that didn’t make it into the show. Another joke that got cut was one that she did about domestic violence. She said that she introduced her husband Jimmy, who is Italian, and said that he hits her with an open fist. She said they’re very much against that violence stuff. She also said that she can say that Hispanics are lazy but she can’t say that Indians are smelly. She said they didn’t let her do that material in the special. Lisa told Howard about the test she does on stage where she asks people who smell the worst and people often say Indian or Arab.
Howard said Lisa hosted the AVN awards. Lisa said they’ve asked her to do it a bunch of times but she finally did it this year. She said that she had to co-host with some porn girls. Lisa said she got to do her monologue and then she had the girls come up. She said she got a box of porn to watch before doing the hosting but she never watches that stuff. She said that they broadcast it on Showtime so that’s why she wanted to do this. Lisa said they sent her a box of 50 pornos and she had no desire to watch it because she’s going through menopause.
Howard said he heard about Andy Dick and what went on with him. He was supposed to call in this morning but he’s nowhere to be found. Howard said that Andy is hard to deal with.
Howard asked Lisa what happened. Lisa said she had gone out to walk the red carpet and she came back and her manager and make up girl told her that Andy had barged in and said he wasn’t leaving until he said hi to Lisa Lampanelli. Lisa said that her manager told Andy that he couldn’t stay and Andy called her a ”fucking cunt” so they kicked him out. Andy asked the make up artist if she wanted to fuck him and blow him too. Lisa said that Andy will fuck anything and he’d probably even drill a hole in a ham and fuck that.
Lisa said she had video of Andy being pulled out of her dressing room and he ended up spitting in the bodyguard’s face. She said that Pauly Shore’s bodyguard was the one who took him out. Pauly came to her and apologized to her later for what had gone down. Lisa said she’s not sure why Andy is even mad at her. Robin said he’s upset that she doesn’t recognize his illness. Howard did an impression of Andy talking to the Howard 100 News guys about that. He and Lisa went back and forth playing with that. Lisa said she doesn’t get why Andy is mad at her. She wasn’t there and she’s the nicest woman in the world.
Howard said he’s worried about Lisa’s marriage. He said he heard that she got married but she’s only had sex once on the honeymoon. Lisa said they banged on their wedding night. Howard said he had a note saying that she married Jimmy in October of last year and they went to the cape for 4 days and didn’t have sex in that time. Lisa said they have sex once a week. She said they’re almost 50 and who cares? She said that you bang all the time when you first meet and then it drops off. She said she’s very busy and she doesn’t have time but they do it every Wednesday night. She said that’s date night. Howard said that Jimmy must be jerking it if he’s only getting it once a week.
Howard gave Lisa some plugs for some upcoming gigs and that Comedy Central Special. You can find out more at InsultComic.com.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she’s a massage therapist and she agrees that the Indians are the stinkiest people. Lisa apologized for starting that stereotype. Lisa asked the masseuse if she uses cocoa butter on the blacks. Lisa said they do get ashy. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the woman on the phone before letting her go.
Howard said Lisa is tweeting a lot lately. He said that she recently told a joke about Zsa Zsa Gabor. Lisa said she has no perspective anymore because she’s so desensitized. She tweeted that Zsa Zsa had cut her shoe collection in half. She said that TMZ grabbed it and wondered if it was too soon for jokes like that. Lisa said she got mad at TMZ for that so she joked about the size of her house and how it was 27,000 square feet which was 26,999 more than she has. Lisa said she later found out that her husband thought the jokes were funny and they got a kick out of it. Howard said he finds it hard to believe that Zsa Zsa read those jokes. Lisa said maybe it was just the husband who read it.
Howard asked Lisa if she feels bad when she bad mouths these celebrities. She named her dog Parker after Sarah Jessica Parker. Lisa said she’s fine with it as long as she’s recognized.
Howard heard that Lisa got a part in a movie. Lisa said that she did. She said that she was shocked. Howard asked Lisa about some more of her tweets and how she had joked about Lady Gaga saying that she wanted a perfume that smells like blood and semen. She joked that if she wanted to smell that then she’d just punch Clay Aiken in the mouth.
Howard asked Lisa if she would do David Letterman’s show instead of going on Leno. She said she thinks that her act isn’t for Dave.
Howard gave Lisa some more plugs for her upcoming Comedy Central show ”Tough Love” and talked to her about her hair extensions. She said that it’s real hair but it’s stuck in there every 6 months. She said that hey attack it strand by stand to you. She said that she can run her fingers through it. She said that they should see the extensions on her twat.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw Lisa get in an heckler’s face at a show recently and had him kicked out. He wondered if that was for real. Lisa said that it was for real. The caller liked that they kicked him out the way they did.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked how big her gunt is. Lisa said that it’s not that big anymore. She said she doesn’t have that hang over gunt but she does have a little bit of one. Howard told Lisa not to get too thin. Howard said that she needs to keep the gunt. Howard said that Lisa is great and he loves her. She told him that he doesn’t have to worry about her marriage either. She said that if she fucks Jimmy on a Sunday then she’ll email Gary. Howard gave Lisa some more plugs, wrapped up and went to break.