Howard had Lisa Lampanelli come in. He apologized to her for the delay. Howard asked if she has ever had double penetration. Lisa joked that she had so Howard asked her about fucking Charlie Sheen. Lisa joked that he had been with Jon Cryer. Howard and Lisa joked about a bunch of stuff that Kacey Jordan had just talked about.
Howard asked Lisa bout the Comedy Central special, Tough Love, she has coming up. That’s coming up in April but Lisa said that they cut out 4 of her favorite jokes. She said she had one about Chaz Bono and said ”Who knew that Sonny Bono crashing into a tree would be the second biggest tragedy in Cher’s life…” She also made a joke where she compared a black person to a chimp and that didn’t make it into the show. Another joke that got cut was one that she did about domestic violence. She said that she introduced her husband Jimmy, who is Italian, and said that he hits her with an open fist. She said they’re very much against that violence stuff. She also said that she can say that Hispanics are lazy but she can’t say that Indians are smelly. She said they didn’t let her do that material in the special. Lisa told Howard about the test she does on stage where she asks people who smell the worst and people often say Indian or Arab.
Howard said Lisa hosted the AVN awards. Lisa said they’ve asked her to do it a bunch of times but she finally did it this year. She said that she had to co-host with some porn girls. Lisa said she got to do her monologue and then she had the girls come up. She said she got a box of porn to watch before doing the hosting but she never watches that stuff. She said that they broadcast it on Showtime so that’s why she wanted to do this. Lisa said they sent her a box of 50 pornos and she had no desire to watch it because she’s going through menopause.
Howard said he heard about Andy Dick and what went on with him. He was supposed to call in this morning but he’s nowhere to be found. Howard said that Andy is hard to deal with.
Howard asked Lisa what happened. Lisa said she had gone out to walk the red carpet and she came back and her manager and make up girl told her that Andy had barged in and said he wasn’t leaving until he said hi to Lisa Lampanelli. Lisa said that her manager told Andy that he couldn’t stay and Andy called her a ”fucking cunt” so they kicked him out. Andy asked the make up artist if she wanted to fuck him and blow him too. Lisa said that Andy will fuck anything and he’d probably even drill a hole in a ham and fuck that.
Lisa said she had video of Andy being pulled out of her dressing room and he ended up spitting in the bodyguard’s face. She said that Pauly Shore’s bodyguard was the one who took him out. Pauly came to her and apologized to her later for what had gone down. Lisa said she’s not sure why Andy is even mad at her. Robin said he’s upset that she doesn’t recognize his illness. Howard did an impression of Andy talking to the Howard 100 News guys about that. He and Lisa went back and forth playing with that. Lisa said she doesn’t get why Andy is mad at her. She wasn’t there and she’s the nicest woman in the world.
Howard said he’s worried about Lisa’s marriage. He said he heard that she got married but she’s only had sex once on the honeymoon. Lisa said they banged on their wedding night. Howard said he had a note saying that she married Jimmy in October of last year and they went to the cape for 4 days and didn’t have sex in that time. Lisa said they have sex once a week. She said they’re almost 50 and who cares? She said that you bang all the time when you first meet and then it drops off. She said she’s very busy and she doesn’t have time but they do it every Wednesday night. She said that’s date night. Howard said that Jimmy must be jerking it if he’s only getting it once a week.
Howard gave Lisa some plugs for some upcoming gigs and that Comedy Central Special. You can find out more at InsultComic.com.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she’s a massage therapist and she agrees that the Indians are the stinkiest people. Lisa apologized for starting that stereotype. Lisa asked the masseuse if she uses cocoa butter on the blacks. Lisa said they do get ashy. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the woman on the phone before letting her go.
Howard said Lisa is tweeting a lot lately. He said that she recently told a joke about Zsa Zsa Gabor. Lisa said she has no perspective anymore because she’s so desensitized. She tweeted that Zsa Zsa had cut her shoe collection in half. She said that TMZ grabbed it and wondered if it was too soon for jokes like that. Lisa said she got mad at TMZ for that so she joked about the size of her house and how it was 27,000 square feet which was 26,999 more than she has. Lisa said she later found out that her husband thought the jokes were funny and they got a kick out of it. Howard said he finds it hard to believe that Zsa Zsa read those jokes. Lisa said maybe it was just the husband who read it.
Howard asked Lisa if she feels bad when she bad mouths these celebrities. She named her dog Parker after Sarah Jessica Parker. Lisa said she’s fine with it as long as she’s recognized.
Howard heard that Lisa got a part in a movie. Lisa said that she did. She said that she was shocked. Howard asked Lisa about some more of her tweets and how she had joked about Lady Gaga saying that she wanted a perfume that smells like blood and semen. She joked that if she wanted to smell that then she’d just punch Clay Aiken in the mouth.
Howard asked Lisa if she would do David Letterman’s show instead of going on Leno. She said she thinks that her act isn’t for Dave.
Howard gave Lisa some more plugs for her upcoming Comedy Central show ”Tough Love” and talked to her about her hair extensions. She said that it’s real hair but it’s stuck in there every 6 months. She said that hey attack it strand by stand to you. She said that she can run her fingers through it. She said that they should see the extensions on her twat.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw Lisa get in an heckler’s face at a show recently and had him kicked out. He wondered if that was for real. Lisa said that it was for real. The caller liked that they kicked him out the way they did.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked how big her gunt is. Lisa said that it’s not that big anymore. She said she doesn’t have that hang over gunt but she does have a little bit of one. Howard told Lisa not to get too thin. Howard said that she needs to keep the gunt. Howard said that Lisa is great and he loves her. She told him that he doesn’t have to worry about her marriage either. She said that if she fucks Jimmy on a Sunday then she’ll email Gary. Howard gave Lisa some more plugs, wrapped up and went to break.
Gary Dell’Abate appeared on the sports WFAN-AM (660) New York morning show with Boomer Esiason and Craig Carton, saying that while both sides continue to negotiate a new contract, the future is very uncertain. Dell’Abate says, ” Howard is negotiating, but we’ve never gone this far before … everybody is nervous, including me.” He also tells Boomer and Carton that Stern wants to remain on Sirius XM. The last show for Stern under his current 5-year/$500 million deal is December 17.
Extra’s” special correspondent and Howard Stern’s wife Beth Ostrosky Stern and Stern’s longtime radio producer Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate joked about who knows the radio shock jock the best.
“You have been in a relationship with my husband longer than I have been,” Ostrosky laughed, “What’s something that you think you know that I don’t know?” Dell’Abate replied, “I don’t know if there’s anything because I gotta tell you, Beth, he tells you everything, he really does!”
Dell’Abate is promoting his bestselling memoir, “They Call Me Baba Booey,” talking about everything from why his mother beat their neighbors with their own shrubbery to why you never want to lose a bet with Howard. Watch the interview!
Howard said that he was up half the night thinking about what he waned to talk to him about. He said he was reading in the paper that someone wrote a book about Billy and he says that ”Uptown Girl” isn’t about Christie Brinkley. Billy said that story has been around since that song came out. He said he was actually dating Elle McPherson around that time. He said that he couldn’t believe that he was in this situation where he was dating this woman. He said that Christie, Elle and Whitney Houston were all there for him. Howard said that’s not the kind of girls that he got to meet when he was growing up out on Long Island. Billy said that’s true.
Howard asked Billy if he ever went out and performed at school since he had this talent. Billy said he was more of a wallflower until he joined a band. He said that’s when people knew what he was doing. Howard asked Billy about why he left the band and how he knew to do that. Billy said he still feels like he’s in a band. He said when he plays live it’s like a band effort.
Howard said he thinks that Billy is a solo act now and that’s why he stopped writing new music. Howard said he thinks that he didn’t want to keep doing the impossible by coming up with new albums. He said that would drive him crazy. Billy said that’s not what happened.
Billy got back to the Uptown Girl thing. He said he wasn’t even dating Christie at the time. He said that he started writing the lyric and it was written like a classical piece. He played some of that on the piano in a classical way. Howard said Billy hears the music first but with only one other song he came up with the lyrics first. That song was ”We Didn’t Start The Fire.” Howard said he heard that he hates the song. Billy said he doesn’t hate it. He said that he still performs it in concert. He said sometimes he has to go to the audience and see them mouthing the words.
They got back to the ”Uptown Girl” song thing and Billy talked about how he and Elle dated for a while back then. She was only 19 at the time. Howard said at that age he would probably finish as soon as he saw her nude in bed. Howard said the pressure must be on. Billy said he doesn’t kiss and tell so he’s not going there. Howard said it must have been tough to leave her too. Billy said he didn’t leave her. He said she went off to Europe. Billy said that he met Christie around that time and then he finished that ”Uptown Girl” song and it was about her. Howard said that story in the book is wrong then. Billy said he thinks that Christie knows the story behind the song. He said he did start writing it when he was with Elle but he finished it for Christie.
Howard asked Billy to play a little bit of ”Uptown Girl” but Billy said he wasn’t sure he could hit the key. He had to drop it a little bit. He said it was too early in the morning for that song. He sang some of another song and that led to Howard talking about ”Just The Way You Are.”’ Howard said he has a theory about why he wrote that song. Howard asked Billy if he would go nuts if he couldn’t sing. Billy said he wanted to be a song writer and not sing. He said he’s really not that good of a singer. He said they make him sound good in a studio.
Howard asked Billy if he’s close to other rock and roll guys. Billy said they’re friends but they don’t sit down and talk about music in a deep way. Howard asked Billy if he has ever gotten together with other guys and jammed with them. Billy said that he got together with Paul McCartney once and they were both dabbling in classical music. He said Paul was going to come over to his house and he kind of knew him from seeing him over the years. He said Paul is the reason he got into music. Billy said that Paul was going to come over and he was excited about that. He said he wondered if he’d want something cold to drink. He had some cold cuts in the fridge and Paul doesn’t eat meat. He said he had turkey breast and things like that in there. He said it was like Jeffrey Dahmer’s fridge. Billy said he was going to hide the meat somewhere so he was hiding it in drawers in the house. He said he had to put it somewhere so he just threw it all over the place.
Billy said they had a nice day talking about music and things like that. Billy said that they didn’t really have any awkward silences or anything. Howard asked if they talked about girls they banged and stuff. He said they did do that. He said Paul is a good family man and just a nice guy. Howard said he thinks that he had a great relationship with Linda. Billy said he really is a great guy and a good dad.
Howard asked if he whipped out the instruments. Billy said that Paul played some tapes and he played some for him. He said they’d talk about how to change things. He said Paul left a few hours later and he never did ask for a drink or go into the fridge. Billy said they got closer from that.
Billy said that he called people to tell them what happened. Then he was walking around his house wondering what the smell was. He said he had the meats in the drawers and pantry so he had to go on a meat hunt to find it all.
Howard said Billy tours with Elton John and he gets the sense that they have nothing to do with each other, other than the business arrangement. Howard asked if he’s right. Billy said that he is. He said that Elton never stops working. He said Elton will go do another gig on his day off. Billy said that Elton loves to perform. Billy likes to take a day off. Billy said he doesn’t ache for the road or anything. He said he opened a motorcycle shop so he spends his time there.
Howard asked Billy why he doesn’t build a piano instead of motorcycles. Billy said that’s a real art. He said he can’t compete with the families that have been making them for years.
Howard said he was comparing Billy to Bobby Fisher earlier in the morning. He asked Billy if he looks at the piano and gets bored with it. Billy said he doesn’t get bored. He said the piano brought him some great things. He said he likes what he’s hearing and he loves playing. He said he hates it when he’s trying to write something and he can’t get it. He said it’s like a big beast that he just can’t tame. Billy broke into a song as he was talking about that. Billy said it was too high to sing that song though. He said it’s just too early to get up that high.
Howard said he gets goose bumps hearing that music. He asked Billy to keep going. Billy would play a little bit on the piano but he wasn’t singing much. He went through his thought process on how he comes up with a song. He said that he can sometimes hate trying to figure out a song and the piano can be the thing that’s keeping him from getting there.
Howard said he saw the Howard TV guys had his hands on the monitor and he would have loved to have been able to play like that when he was a kid playing piano. Howard asked at what age people noticed that he was a prodigy or a genius.
Billy said his parents had a piano in the house and it was always out of tune. He said when he was a little boy he would go over and play the rain song on it. He said that he’d play the rain on the high keys and the thunder on the low keys. He said his mother hated that so she dragged him to a piano teacher, Miss Francis, and had him take lessons. Howard asked if he wanted to be there. Billy said he did like the lessons as a young kid. Billy remembered the song in one of the song books he learned on. He actually sang the song and played it. Howard said he didn’t remember that one.
Howard asked if the teacher knew that he had talent. He said he thinks that she did think he had something going on so she did spend time with him. Billy said that he would make up his own music as a kid. He said they’d give him a Mozart song to perform and he’d change it. He played some Mozart and said he would get bored with that. Then he’d just make up his own stuff and play that instead. Billy said his mother would ask what it was and he’d tell her it was the second movement. Billy played what he would create and it was just his own stuff. He played some more and said that he was around 6 years old at the time. He said his mother thought he was playing the music he was supposed to be playing. He said he would be all over the place playing different stuff that he was making up. His mom would say that he was great and he wasn’t really learning anything.
Billy said that his mother would ask him to play the Mozart and he’d forget how to play it. Then the teacher would say she was wasting her money. He said he didn’t play his own stuff for the teacher. He said that wasn’t the deal so that’s not what he was doing.
Howard said that some kids see rock stars and they want to do that. He asked Billy if his songs are variations on classical music. Billy said that music lasts and people will be listening to it hundreds of years from now. He said people will listen to the Beatles hundreds of years from now because it translates.
Billy said sometimes writing lyrics to songs is like painting a moustache on the Mona Lisa. He said that when you hear a song you really like you don’t care what the lyrics are. He said that’s kind of how he writes his songs. He said that he just writes that stuff the way you hear a rock song and don’t care what the lyrics are.
Howard asked Billy what song he had in his head now. Billy said he had an anthem in there so he played that on the piano. Howard said he got the goose bumps from that again. He asked why he wouldn’t put lyrics to that. Billy said that it could kill the song if he didn’t have the exact right lyrics. Billy said it has to be fun and he has to want to do it. He said if it’s not fun anymore then he can’t do it.
Howard asked Billy to sing ”Just the Way You Are” for them. He spent a minute talking to him about the song and then had him play. Billy sang some of the song for them. He said that was all he was going to play this morning after cutting it off after a minute or so.
Billy told Howard about how he used to be a rock critic. He said he once saw a band that he didn’t think was that good and wrote it up. He said it was Supersession and he gave them a bad review. Billy said it looks worse on paper than it does in his note book. He said that he had to give up that job after seeing it in print. He wanted to apologize to Al Kooper for writing that article.
Howard asked who his music heroes are. Billy said that Steve Winwood is his hero. He said he has a great voice and he plays the keyboard really well. He played some of a song he likes but he knew he’d screw it up. He said it was too early to be singing too. He sang ”Dear Mr. Fantasy” and said he loved his voice and keyboard playing. He sang a little bit of that and some of Steve’s other stuff.
Hoard said that Billy was inspired by the Beatles a lot. He was inspired to group 3 songs together like they did. Howard said he sat down and thought about that. Billy said he just had 3 or 4 unfished songs and he did that on one of his albums. Billy ended up playing some bits and pieces of their stuff too. He said they had unfinished songs and they would just mix them together. He said he thought it was brilliant that they did that. He said that laziness can be brilliant ingenuity.
Howard asked Billy if he would ever just sit down and play the Beatles stuff the way he just did. Billy said he’s not sure if he would do that.
Howard asked Billy to play some of Miami 2017. Billy said he needed a bathroom break first. Howard said he only has about 23 requests so once he’s done with that he’ll be all good. Billy was trying to kill time because it was still so early in the morning. Howard said he was having a great time talking to him. Billy asked if this is better than the porn stars. Howard said ”Uh, no…”
Howard said that Billy has a new motorcycle shop. He was going to give him a plug for that but talked about how he could screw up his career if he crashed one of those things. Billy said he’s just living his life the way he wants to. Billy quoted Jimi Hendrix after that. He said he never did get to meet Jimi though.
Howard said he was going to take a break but he asked Billy to please not leave. Billy said he wouldn’t leave. Howard told Gary to lock all of the exits. He gave Billy a plug for his motorcycle shop 20th Century Cycle Shop and said you can find out more at BillyJoel.com. They went to break after that.
After the break Howard came right back with Billy and asked him what he’s doing for the holidays. Billy said he’s going to cook. Howard said he lives a regular life. Billy said he does. He said he likes to shop for his own food and things like that. He said he’s good as long as he doesn’t stop. He said if he stops and someone sees him then he gets stuck.
Howard asked Billy if he wrote a new song to that music he played earlier, would he write about current events like he used to. Billy said that Howard doesn’t know that ”Allentown” used to have the lyrics ”Living here in Levittown…” He sang some of that song like it was about Levittown.
Howard asked Billy if other guys are trying to solve the world’s problems with their songs. Howard mentioned Bruce Springsteen as one of them. Billy said he doesn’t think that’s what he’s trying to do. He said that Bruce is a great lyricist and a great singer too. He said they both grew up around the same time and they’d go see each other’s concerts. Howard asked Billy if he would call Bruce and hang out with him. He said they have done that. He said they ride motorcycles together too. Howard said they have to stop doing that. Billy said he’s going to keep riding. Howard said he can’t be doing that when he has so much talent in those hands of his.
Howard asked Billy about the record companies and if they have ever asked him to do crazy things for them. Billy said he hasn’t given them a new album since 1993 so they keep cutting out the greatest hits stuff. He said he hates that too. He said he’d prefer that they just leave the albums intact.
Howard had Billy play and sing some more. Billy sang some of ”And So It Goes” for Howard. Howard asked Billy if it’s hard to stay in one relationship and if that has been tough on him. Billy said it has been tough. Howard said people must think that he has it all together when they hear his songs. Billy said he understands being in it and it just hasn’t worked out the way he’s wanted it to. Howard said it must have been heart breaking for him and that must inspire tunes. Billy said that’s true.
Howard asked Billy about his father running off to Vienna and if his song is about his father. Billy said that it might be but he’s never analyzed that. Howard had him perform a little bit of that song but Billy said it’s really high for this time of morning. Billy gave it a try though.
Howard asked Billy if he doesn’t like telling people about what the songs are about. Billy said that sometimes he doesn’t like to do that. He said songs might mean something different to different people. He said he did write that song after he went to see his father in Vienna. He said the song was more about the way things are over in Vienna than about his father leaving.
Howard asked Billy to do some Downeaster Alexa. Billy said that was an impossible one to do at this time of morning. He tried doing it but he wasn’t able to hit the note. Billy dropped it a note and tried it again. Billy did a little bit of the song and Howard said he swoons and wants to blow him when he hears that song. Billy tried doing some more of the song as Gordon Lightfoot. Howard asked if he likes to hear his songs covered by other people. Billy said he really does.
Howard asked Billy about some of the concerts he’s performed. Billy talked about going to Russia and performing and what that was like.
Howard asked Billy what ”Big Shot” was about. Billy said he was out with Mick and Bianca Jagger once and he was thinking of him singing a song he was writing to Bianca. He said it wasn’t about him singing it to Bianca or anything like that. He said he was thinking about the way Mick would sing the song to Bianca. Billy played a little bit of the song and sang it like Mick would sing it.
Howard asked Billy to perform some more but Billy was playing and saw his hands on the monitor. He said his hands look really fat. He stopped playing for a few seconds and then got back to ”Miami 2017” since Howard had asked him to play that. Billy’s voice was sounding pretty good by then. Billy said he needed drums in one part so he just stopped playing.
Gary came in and asked what song he wrote the quickest. Billy said that ”Just the Way You Are” was probably the quickest. He said that he had thought about a song and he was in the middle of a meeting and had to run off to write it. Billy said that ”New York State of Mind” was also written in about 15 minutes. He said it was the day he moved back from California to New York when he wrote that. He said he was on his way to Highland Falls on a bus and he started scribbling in a note book. He said he had to write the song as soon as he got home. Howard asked if he’s ever forgotten a song. Billy said he has. Billy said he dreams music a lot and he has to get them out as soon as he can.
Howard asked him to do a little bit of ”New York State Of Mind.” Billy said he had to lower the key in that one too. It was still way too early for him. Billy did a minute of that song.
Howard gave Billy another plug for his motorcycle shop. Billy asked them not to bring loud pipes. He said that they’re going to get kicked out of there if they do that. Billy said they have all kinds of people show up to the shop. Billy said he’s going to lose money on the shop. He said it’s like a man cave for him. Billy said he spends all day there. Howard asked if he gets to see Billy there. Billy said they’re open to the public on the weekends but during the week they’re just working on bikes. That’s when he’s there.
Howard asked why he’d want to run a business like that. Billy said he’s ahead of the game so he doesn’t care if he loses a little. Howard said he likes to help people too. He said he’ll go out and help fishermen and stuff like that. Billy said he’s having a good year so he will go out and help because they’d do the same for him if he was having a tough time.
Howard asked Billy about captain Jack and if he thinks that the guy heard the song. Billy said he probably did. He said he’s gotten mail from a lot of Captain Jack’s over the years. He said he can’t do the song with just the piano. He said it’s like playing Whole Lotta Love on the piano. Howard said he wants to hear that.
Billy said that most songs don’t work on just the piano. That’s why he has the band. Howard said he has seen him playing guitar. Billy said he’s not sure they even put him into the mix when he’s playing.
Howard said this is just too much sitting there with Billy. Billy asked if this was a piano bar or something. Howard said it is. Robin said that she was wondering about where the music comes from with some of the songs. He talked about how so many of them come from his dreams.
Gary asked about a song and Billy said it was just too high for him. Howard asked Gary to squeeze Billy’s balls to get him up higher. Howard asked Billy what song was the first one he ever wrote. Billy sang some of that one. It was ”My Journey’s End.” Billy said that the song sucks and it’s just so stereotypical. He said the poem was a stretch. He said he thought it was great when he wrote it. He said he was only about 15 when he did that song. He said he had a recording contract at 15. Howard said that must have been great. Billy said it was a lot of fun.
Howard asked Billy if he has ever apologized to people in school that he was mean to. Billy said that he has tried to reach out to people. He said that it still bothers him to this day that he would have a fling and never contact them again.
Howard asked Billy if he’s a religious guy. Billy said he’s an atheist. He said he tried church as a kid. He said he likes the sound and the acoustics in churches. He said they know what they’re doing when it comes to that.
Howard asked Billy if he could ever get married again. Howard thought he wanted to have more kids. Billy said he’s happy now and he’s not going to get married again.
Howard asked Billy to play a song that he wanted to play. Billy sang ”One Last Song” and made it up as he was going along. Howard asked if he ever consulted an image consultant when he was going along. Billy said that they told him to change his clothes but he didn’t hire anyone to do that. Howard asked if he laughed at guys like Elton John and David Bowie who had to create those costumes. Billy said he likes that stuff and they’re having fun doing it. He said that Lady Gaga wearing all of those outfits doesn’t bother him at all. He kind of likes that stuff.
Howard asked Billy if he would ever write a song for someone again. Billy said he will never close the door on that. He said that he’s really enjoying what he’s doing now though.
Howard asked Billy who he has had discussions with about writing songs and it didn’t work out. Billy said he’s had discussions with a lot of guys but it’s just never worked out. He said he wanted to work with Sting but that didn’t’ work out.
Gary asked Billy if he played piano on ”Leader of the Pack.” Billy said he played on a demo of the song. He said he’s not sure if that made it to the album. Billy said he was only 15 at the time and he’s not sure if they used his track.
Howard asked Billy if he’s played piano on other songs that he didn’t write. He said he has. He said he played for a Bob Dylan song.
Howard asked Billy to do one more song for him. He wanted to know what he could play. Billy didn’t want to do a lot because they don’t sound good with just the piano. Billy said all he could think was ”please don’t make me sing anymore.”
They asked Billy to try some ”Angry Young Man” but Billy was just having fun banging on the piano. Howard asked why he doesn’t score a movie. Billy said he’d love to. He said he wanted to do ”The Perfect Storm.” Howard said he should do Aquaman. Billy said he didn’t know there was one.
Howard asked him to do ”Goodnight Saigon” for his last song. Billy said he couldn’t do that one. It’s too big of a production. Howard asked Billy to do ”Summer Highland Falls” so Billy did some of that as they were wrapping up the interview.
Howard said he loves Billy and thanked them from the bottom of his heart for coming in there. He said he knows his audience must have loved it. He said that it was a great interview and he never wanted to ask him to do this because he didn’t want to take advantage of their friendship. Billy said the next time they do this they have to do it after 5 in the afternoon.
This book is pretty intense. Was it hard to write?
It wasn’t hard writing once I made the decision. I think making the decision was a lot harder than actually writing it.
Your mom is still alive.
Yeah, I see her twice a week. I drop by and give her a cupcake for cupcake Wednesday and then I try to bring her home to my house on weekends when I can.
Was she okay with you writing the book?
I talked to her about it. I told her what it was going to be. I’m not blindsiding her, that’s for sure.
Does she realize how tough it was for you growing up?
No, my mother definitely doesn’t think anything went too wrong but I think that happens a lot when you’re in these dysfunctional families, they don’t recognize it. The problem was that she was on medication back then but she was on all sorts of medication and it wasn’t being properly monitored. It was all over the place. I felt my mom had a chemical imbalance and if she could have found another treatment earlier on it would have been a whole different life for her and for me.
When Howard would complain about his parents didn’t you want to scream, ‘You don’t know what a bad childhood is?’
The weird thing is I didn’t know that I had a bad childhood, I really didn’t. I just thought my mom was a little out there. It takes some distance and maturity to realize that things are different.
What’s your favorite Baba Booey shout out?
It just happened the other day. There was a really good Baba Booey mention on ‘The Simpsons.’ My kids are huge Simpsons fans so I just think that’s cool.
Isn’t it weird how famous those words have become?
I say it’s like a battle cry for the show. It’s like a secret handshake. If you yell out Baba Booey it’s not really about me. It’s I’m in the club, you’re in the club. It’s crazy; I thought that joke was over that morning. Sometimes when people say it to me they say it in a really obnoxious way but as a general rule it’s a fun word and when people say it they’re usually pretty happy.
How do you stand being picked on so much?
I joke around that my mother inadvertently prepared me for this job. I was at my shrink’s when we had this revelation. He said, ‘So everyday when you went home you weren’t sure if you were going to get kicked, emotionally, or hugged when you opened the door. You never knew what was on the other side of that door. Does it sound like anything else?’
So you’re recreating your childhood at work.
That’s one way of looking at it or that I’m the perfect guy for the job.
Ever cry in the toilet?
No! The one time I was upset was after my girlfriend broke up with me and Howard was mocking me, it was bothering me and Howard just told me to grow up. We’re all thick skinned here. If you can’t stand the heat you better get out of the kitchen. You won’t last long here if you go to the bathroom to cry.
So seriously Howard hasn’t told you if he’s retiring?
To the best of my knowledge he hasn’t made any decision, if he’s made it he hasn’t told us anything.
What do you think?
I think that he wants to continue to work. He’s made that very evident on the radio and where that is, is I think the question.
What are you going to do if he leaves?
I have thought about my future. I’ve gone out and taken a couple of meetings with different people just to what if but I want to work here. I want him to sign another three or five year deal. But inevitably I think the next deal is the last deal no matter what so I have to get ready anyway.
Why do you think Howard has such a terrible reputation?
I think it all comes from people who don’t listen to the show. Headlines are killers, sometimes people have written really great articles about Howard but with shitty headlines. They don’t know the show but they know he’s the guy who talks dirty, or he’s the guy who the FCC is after so they’ve formulated in their minds that they don’t like him.
He’s definitely my favorite interviewer.
He does such a great job. He really does make people forget they’re on the radio.
Does your wife get jealous of the porn stars and strippers?
I think we’re long past that. No she doesn’t. If she did she would have left a long time ago. I’m not allowed to touch but I think that’s a fair rule. She thinks we’re just a bunch of juvenile idiots and she’s not far off.
Any updates on Artie?
I speak to Artie fairly often. I spoke to him two weeks ago. He seems to be doing well. Every time I speak to him I think he’s a little bit better. He’s just trying to make his way and get it all together. I saw him not long after everything happened in January and the guy I spoke to the other week is a million times better than the guy in January.
Think he’ll come back?
I don’t know the answer to that. It depends when he’s ready what he’s capable of doing.
What’s the more embarrassing moment? The “hello hello” tape or the Mets first pitch?
God they’re so close. They both give me the same feeling of misery and dread. It’s one of those things where if you ask me on two different days the answer will be different. I think the “hello hello” tape is a little bit worse.
I can’t stand Ralph.
That’s why people love him. They love to hate him.
He just irritates me.
You’re not alone. I think he serves a function on the show. I think he’s a villain. He’s not completely without value. When he’s not being a dick to me I really do like him a lot.
How embarrassing was it when your mom called Howard’s mom?
It was mortifying because I was already living in the city on my own. I was a grown man with a job. As embarrassing and mortifying as it was it’s also sort of part of the charm of my mother. That wasn’t my mother acting crazy that was her being protective.
Does it bother you to wear the beekeeper’s mask?
I don’t wear it that much anymore but yeah I don’t like wearing the beekeeper’s mask. I don’t like wearing it because the girls look at me like I have a disease
David and Chris came in and Howard said he was laughing already. Chris said that Artie was still gone. David said he could see the cobwebs on the chair. Chris said they’ll find out that Howard is behind the whole heroin thing. Chris said that Howard is like on a Johnny Carson like schedule working like 2 days a week. He said that Carson was lax and that’s when Leno took over. He said that Howard hired the one guy who could take over and he got him all addicted to heroin so he wouldn’t be able to do that.
Howard said Chris is great coming in on the attack like that. Howard said he did that to Leno and Letterman too. Howard said Chris went on Letterman first and brought up the cheating thing with him. Howard said Chris was very funny with that. He said he thought it was great the way he went on and attacked like that. Robin said Chris did that when Howard was getting married too.
Howard asked Chris if he’s still married. Chris said he is. He said he used to admire David Spade for what he did even after he had the kid. He said that David is always with hot chicks even to this day. He said the girls who are with him seem to be interested in him too. Howard said he saw a chick who went out with David and she was the hottest chick he’s ever seen. David said that was Nikki. Chris said that he knows her. He said David still has chicks who pull down there panties for him and you know you’re not getting married when that still happens.
Howard asked Spade what he thinks about Chris dating and how that would work. Spade said he would probably end up getting married again. Howard said Chris would be just like him. He said he’d get married too. Spade said he’s not a pussy frenzy like Howard said he was.
Howard said Chris’ problem is like the problem he had. He said Chris would be on a pussy frenzy. Chris said he probably would. Howard said Chris would be alone for a little while but then he’d want to settle down. Howard asked Chris why they behave like that. Chris didn’t know.
Howard asked Spade if he’s dating this Padma Lakshmi chick. David said he’s not. Howard said she just had a kid so he doesn’t need that. Howard asked Spade how he lets them know not to get too serious. Spade goes from girl to girl and Howard anted to know how he does it. Spade said he will date for a couple of months so it’s not like it’s a day to day thing. David said it’s usually the girls who figure out that he’s not that great of a prize.
Chris said that the standards are lower. Spade said the girls usually get fed up with him. He said he’s very mellow and the girls want some drama. He said he doesn’t get emotional. He said he used to be more lovey dovey but he’s not that way anymore. He said the girls get annoyed with that and they’re looking for a fight. He said they want him to care and he doesn’t show any emotion. David said he can stay at the same level with a girl for 2 years and they start to wonder.
Howard asked David if he ever tells a girl he loves them. David said he probably doesn’t. David said that most girls are too good for him. He said that Julie Bowen was one of them. Howard said that someone asked if he was really going to leave his wife alone with Spade one night. Howard said he wasn’t worried about it.
Howard and Spade were talking about how they were going to go out to dinner but they were pretty sure that Chris wasn’t going to make it. Howard said that they’re inviting Chris and his wife but they have a feeling he won’t show up. Howard said he should talk to his wife and tell her that he’s a human being and he’s not going to do anything wrong at dinner. Chris’ wife doesn’t like Howard for some stuff he said like 20 years ago. Howard said he thinks that she should come.
Chris said he has a complaint. He said they were doing this movie ”Grown Ups” and they were having a ball doing it. Chris said one of the reasons was that they were up early listening to Howard every day. He said they were listening to the show every single day. He said that only 12 people have the show so that was a treat for them. Chris said they listened to the show for a month or two. He said that the Denise Richards show was one of the best ever. He said he wanted to marry Denise after that interview. Howard said that Richie Sambora is back with her now, he thinks. Chris said that interview was just amazing. Howard asked Spade if he dated Denise. Spade said he didn’t.
Spade was standing up so Robin asked what was up with that. Chris said he has back problems. Spade said he has a special chair he has to use.
Howard told Chris to go on with his story. Chris said that they loved Howard’s show for that month they were listening. Chris said that Denise Richards interview was just amazing again. Howard said she was gorgeous too. Chris said that Howard went on one of his breaks and he didn’t air the old stuff. It was this History of Stern shit and he said that no one loves that shit. Chris said that they went over everything and no one can love that stuff. Chris said he called Howard about that and Howard thought it was a prank call. Chris said he told Howard this shit sucks. Howard hung up on him. Chris said no one likes that shit. Chris said that show was the only thing making him happy and then they did that old history shit.
Howard said he wanted to explain. He said Chris called early in the morning and he heard some guy saying this fuckin’ sucked and told him to get back on the air. He thought it was a prank call. He said he told Beth that he knows it wasn’t Chris Rock. He said Chris wouldn’t have told him he sucked. Chris said that they can’t air that shit anymore. He said everyone knows that story and they don’t need to hear it.
Howard asked the guys how this movie thing works. He asked who wrote it. Adam Sander and Fred Wolf wrote it. Howard asked how they get the call to do the movie. Chris and Spade talked about how Kevin James was one of the other guys and Howard asked if that part could have been played by Chris Farley. They said it could have but Adam just wrote the movie recently so it wasn’t written just for Chris.
Howard asked if they say yes immediately or read the script first. Chris said he just said yes. Howard asked how they negotiate the money thing. Chris said there is a slight negotiation. He said he’s already on ”yes” so they just have to talk about money. Spade said that Adam asked him to do the movie in the summer and he said he would and he knew it wasn’t going to be some horrible part. Spade said he would have done it even if it wasn’t great money. Chris said they were paid well though.
Howard asked the guys what they got paid. They weren’t saying exactly but Chris thinks that Kevin James got paid more than him. He said he’s fine with that too. Howard said Colin Quinn probably did the movie for the free food. Howard asked about Rob Schneider and how much he got. Howard said he’s been in just about every Sandler movie. Spade said that they’ve all had ups and downs and when you go into this kind of thing the money isn’t that big of a deal. He said they had to go into this thing heavily loaded so they can compete with the summer movies.
Howard asked if anyone hit on Salma Hayek during the shoot. They didn’t think anyone did. Howard asked how long the shoot was. They said it was four months long. Howard said they must have had a good time doing it.
Spade said he was the only one who wasn’t living at the lake house. Spade said he stayed in Boston. He said he wasn’t getting laid out there. He said he was just hanging out and sleeping.
Howard asked Chris what happened with him when Kobe Bryant got mad at him. Chris asked if they just told him that in his ear. Howard said they talked about it on the show not too long ago. Howard said he knows that Chris is very vocal when he’s talking about the game. He asked if he was taunting Kobe on the bench. Chris said he was just talking to Spade and he’s not sure why they thought he was bad mouthing him. Chris said he got scared when they came over to talk to him. Spade said he thinks that they may have been joking around with them during that whole thing.
Howard asked what this movie is going to mean to their careers. Chris said that if it does well it’s good for all of them. If it fails they’re going to blame Sandler. He said it’s all on him if it fails. Howard asked if they own a piece of the film. Chris said that he gets a tiny bit. Spade said ”Really?” like he wasn’t getting a piece of the action. Chris said that bonus is much later on. He said that it’s bonuses and things like that.
Howard asked why they don’t discuss this stuff ahead of time. Chris said he’s more worried about people liking the movies he’s in. He said he’d rather just take less money and be in a good movie that people like.
Spade told Howard that they got to ad lib a lot of their lines in this movie. He said that Rock got to do a lot of lines differently and they had fun doing that. Chris said they all knew they had to bring their A-game to this thing because The Hangover had just come out when they started to film this thing. He said he wants to have a career after this so they had to do the best they could.
Howard asked Chris and Spade about working on SNL with Sandler. They actually shared an office together. Howard asked if they were surprised that Adam became a movie star. Chris aid that Adam worked harder than anyone there. He said that Sandler was always in the office writing. Howard asked Chris if he wrote a lot. Chris said he did but it was another time in his life. He said he got discovered on a tape called Comedy’s Dirties Dozen. He said he was on the tape with Dice, Jackie and a bunch of other guys. Chris said there was a guy who saw him in that and he got the audition on SNL from that. He said that he knew Sandler before that though. He said he was a great stand-up comic at the time. They said that it was getting to the point that people were just yelling shit out during his shows though. It was out of control.
Howard said he’s amazed at how Chris has control over his audience. He said it’s amazing that he has that power. Chris said he was really washed up back then after he was off SNL. He said he had nothing going on in 1993-1995 or so. He was out of the business at the time. Chris said he used to do Politically Incorrect with Pat Boone and people like that. He said his career was over. Chris said that the SNL guys were always cool to him. Spade said that’s because they all go through the same shit.
Howard asked Chris what motivated him to get going after all of that. Chris said he had that SNL credit so he had some stand-up work. He said his goal was to become Richard Jeni or Dom Irrera or someone like that. He said that he wanted to be like those guys making some good money doing stand-up. He said he would have loved to have lived like George Wallace. He said Wallace does his gigs and flies all over the world doing his stuff. Chris said he was so out of show business at the time though. Howard said that Chris created that masterpiece special ”Bring the Pain” after that.
Spade told a story about Lara Flynn Boyle and how he was dating her. He said they were near the end of the relationship at the time and Lara wasn’t even talking to him at that point. He said they went to the Chris Rock show and she was standing up and clapping about all of the jokes that were about small dicks and things like that. Chris aid that anything that was a burn on him she’d stand up for.
Howard asked the guys if they ever stand on stage and think about how dumb it is standing there and telling jokes to people, or do they love it. Spade said he loves it. He said he does alright but he’s not like Chris Rock. David said he doesn’t put in a year straight of doing the same show. He said he can’t even do 5 shows in a week. He said it turns into Groundhog Day for him when he does that.
Howard said that Don Rickles told him that he just wings it when he does his act. The guys found that hard to believe. Spade told a story about Chris Farley going to see Rickles and some of the jokes that Rickles was doing with him. They all got some laughs out of that and said hat Rickles really is a genius.
Howard asked Spade how he got on SNL. Spade told that story and talked about how Dennis Miller had kind of found him.
Howard said he had to apologize to David over this Time magazine article he wrote about him a few years ago. Spade said Howard was such a dick for that. Howard said he was sorry. Chris didn’t believe that Spade had actually written the thing himself. Howard asked Spade if he has anyone writing for him. Spade said he doesn’t but he is going to have some guys help him out. Chris said that he has like 5 guys that will help him out with his act. Spade said he has Todd Glass open up for him and he will tell him what he should cut out and what shouldn’t be in the act. Spade said he will buy jokes if he sees something really killing. He said he’ll pay like $500-1000 for something really good.
Spade said it’s hard to do all of these talk shows and do different jokes. Howard said that Chris was on Leno talking about how he had fucked over Conan. Chris said he didn’t say that. Howard said that Jay was fired by NBC and he stayed there. He said he should have left the company and gone out to fuck them over when they fired him. He said Jay should have gone to FOX or somewhere else. Chris said that there’s no reason to do that though. Chris said that this is very ”white.” He said that when your boss asks you to do something they think they’re just being asked to do it. Chris aid that they’re being told to do something. He said that Jay was fired. He said he didn’t have to leave though. He just sat there and shut the fuck up and waited his time until he signed his next deal. He said that Jay fucked them over again. Chris said that he likes Leno and Conan by the way. He said he thinks that Conan got fucked over by his agent. He said Conan’s people should have freaked out when Leno was given that show at 10. Chris said the whole thing was dumb.
Howard said he got a message that they had to leave in 5 minutes. Chris was going to do something and Spade was going to do the Today Show.
Chris said that he thinks that Conan is kind of fucking over George Lopez by doing his show early and taking his spot. Howard said that he doesn’t care that much. Chris said that they’re shooting these shows in the afternoon or evening so they could show it at anytime. They’re not doing them live.
Howard said they were running out of time. He said he knows they had to talk to Spade about something. Robin reminded him about the baby. Spade said that she’s turning 2 on August 26th. He said he tried to do the dad thing but it’s tough. He said he really had to get going and didn’t seem to want to talk about it. Spade said it’s a tough situation and it wasn’t something that he had planned. He said that it had a ripple effect on his family life and some relationships he had. He said that it was tough. He said that Harper is a sweet kid and he and the baby mama (Jillian Grace) have been cordial all along.
Howard had to wrap up with the guys. Spade was just about walking out of the studio so Howard had to have him sit down. Howard told Spade he was sorry about the way he treated him over that Time Magazine thing. He said that he was really sorry about that and he’s starting to see things more clearly these days.
Howard had a clip of Chris on Letterman’s show that he had to play before they ended the interview. In the clip Dave had lost his voice and Chris brought that up immediately. Chris said he sounded like an old ass man. He asked Dave if things are alright at home. Then Chris went off on Dave about the things he had going on at work. Chris told Dave he had been in the cave where Dave was at. He said that he just adds on shows when his wife is upset with him.
Howard asked Chris if he knew what he was going to say that night. Chris said he really didn’t. He just brought it up on the spot.
Howard said he was going to see Spade on Thursday night. He asked if Chris was going to show up. Chris said he’s not sure. Gary told Howard that they’re running out of time. Spade was on his way out the door. Howard asked Chris if he was going to join them for dinner or not. Chris wasn’t sure. Howard asked if the wife really hates him. Chris said it’s just convenient for her to hate him. He said she’s just mad at some stuff because you’re supposed to be.
Howard asked Chris how he’s doing and if he’s writing more stand-up. Chris said he is. He said he was at a club about 3 weeks ago doing stand-up in a Brooklyn club. He said that he had fun doing that. He was working on some new material. Chris said that the other comedians are okay with him coming and bumping them. He said that he used to do the same thing and he loved following Sam Kinison after he’d come in and do that. He said that people would walk out and pay their checks as he was doing his thing. He said he goes out and tests this stuff out for 6 months or so before he’ll start booking concert dates. Chris said that his agent hates that too. He said he has to like the whole act before he’ll book dates. He said he’s not like a singer when it comes to that stuff.
Howard said he had fun with this interview. He said he had to wrap up and move on. David was already gone. Howard asked Chris about all of the chicks that David is getting. Chris said it’s not that many. He asked how many weekends there are like that’s how many chicks David is getting. Howard asked if it’s going to get to a point where Spade has to settle down because of his age. Howard said that Spade is working on a TV show for Sandler too. Chris said that Spade has been successful on TV before without Sandler. Howard said he was getting the hi sign saying he had to get going. He wrapped up and gave them some more plugs for the movie ”Grown Ups.” Chris was still telling them to stop with the History of Howard Stern shit as they were ending it. They went to break a short time later.