Wack Pack Revelations (2006)

After the break Howard said that he’s going to hold Les Moonves personally responsible for ruining his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah for him. Les is probably the reason he got sick and he was miserable the whole weekend. He said that he’s going to concentrate on getting rid of this obstacle in his life now. CBS Radio has become his enemy and he’s hoping that the company dies now. He said you need to know your enemy and he’s going to know who Les is and expose him for what he really is. Howard said that Les told him recently that they don’t even spend a minute thinking about him but now he will.

Howard said that Les is spending the stockholder’s money on this case and he doesn’t even think about that before filing the suit. Howard moved on to the Wack Pack after that. He said that Double A is drunk off his ass and has been out in the hall complaining while he’s been there.

King of All Blacks came in wearing a mink coat and looking thinner. King said that he lost 42 pounds. High Pitch was there and hasn’t lost a pound but Eric said that he has lost a pound. Eric said that he weighs about 290 pounds but Gary told him to step on the scale to prove it. Howard couldn’t get over the noise coming from the wireless microphones. Someone was also breathing heavy and all fingers were pointing at High Pitch. King of All Blacks said that Eric was doing that out in the hallway. Double A said that he’s been dealing with Eric all week like that.

Double A was drunk on Kettle One and orange juice. He showed Howard his new tattoo of the Howard Fist logo. Howard heard that Double A was complaining about not being able to get through on the phones. Double A said he’s tired of hearing interns telling him that they don’t have enough phone lines and kicking him off. Double A’s mouth was all dry so he was making all kinds of weird noises and slurring his words.

Eric mentioned that he got to drive Double A’s truck one time and he ended up in a snow bank. Eric doesn’t even have a driver’s license. He never took driving lessons. Howard said they should take him out into the desert and let him drive so they can see how he does. Howard then said that they have to have him take a real driving course to see how he does.

King of All Blacks said that he’s been going to Weight Watchers and that’s how he lost the 42 pounds. He said he’s very focused and he’s been concentrating on the dieting. He’s done that in 16 weeks. He goes to the meetings every week and talks to the group about how he’s been doing. King told Double A that he’s losing his hair and goofed on him about that. Then he picked on him about the yellow gold he was wearing. He said that yellow gold is over and Platinum is in now. Double A was bragging about his diamonds and gold but King wasn’t impressed. Double A went off on him about the shoes he was wearing but King bragged about his $9,000 mink coat. King also let Howard know that he just lost his 43 year old brother to cancer. That’s one of the reasons that he’s losing weight.

Double A gave King a ”Wah, wahhh” over his brother story. The two of them got back into their arguments about the clothes, shoes and jewelry they wear. Howard had to cut them off so he could move on to some other people. Howard asked Eric and Double A what their Wack Pack show is going to be about. Double A said that they’re going to bring some regular people into the Wack Pack world and take phone calls and stuff like that. Eric said that they’re going to continue to drink all day so they’re drunk tonight.

Howard moved on to Kenneth Keith Kallenbach who was in to reveal his revelation. Kenneth is doing stand-up comedy these days. Gary said that they had him booked for next week to do some of that act so they had him do some of it today. Kenneth told a couple of jokes and said that he was told to watch his drinking, so now he drinks in front of the mirror. He had a couple of clunker jokes but he did get a few laughs from King of All Blacks. King had a joke of his own that didn’t go over very well.

Howard said hello to Captain Janks who said that he loves that all of the Wack Packers hate each other. Nicole Bass was on the phone because she was in the hospital after suffering from pancreatitis. She said she got that after getting beat up by the cops a few years ago.

Howard moved on to the revelations and had Sal read them off to remind everyone what they were. Here they are…

When i was 12 I banged my friend’s mom, 10 years later I banged my friend’s wife.
I once put a wrapped cigar up my ass while having phone sex.
I once got drunk with a friend of the same sex and tongue kissed.
When I was 15 I was anally raped by a stranger. (Joey Boots)
When I was 18 a close family member put me on a plane to deliver 4 kilos of cocaine.
I once ripped off my blind neighbor. His uncle gave $200 but I gave the blind guy 2 $10 bills.
I once made out with a former staff member’s wife.
Joey Boots already revealed his revelation which was the 15 year old getting anally raped story. Howard said he had no clue who belonged to which story. Gary had Sal read them all off one by one and had everyone give their guesses. Gary and Howard guessed that the first one ”When i was 12 I banged my friend’s mom, 10 years later I banged my friend’s wife.” was Double A, and they were right. Double A said that it wasn’t the way Sal made it sound like. He said that he was 12 years old at the time and started to tell the story but Howard got bored and cut him off. They had to move the story along and tried to get to the point where he was in the house.
Double A said that the mother of a friend of his was really hot and she had him watch her bang her husband. He said he watched her blow and jerk the guy off which freaked him out. He said that he had never had sex himself but he watched this chick do that every Friday for weeks. Robin asked him why he went back if it bothered him so much. He said that it just freaked him out. Howard cut him off trying to move on but Double A insisted on getting the story out.

Howard asked the guys if they believed this story at all. No one was believing it. Double A said that the woman’s husband eventually got a job and then he showed up and there was no husband there. She was there naked so that’s when he got to bang her. He said she told him that her husband wasn’t there so she was going to do the same thing to him. He said that she went down on him and then he went down on her. He didn’t get freaked out by it when he did it and started to look forward to it. He said that because of that, he treats girls like whores. The guys said that’s because the girls he’s with are whores. Howard said he wants to see all of these girls that are banging Double A. Artie said he does have hot chicks around him.

Double A’s mouth was dry so he had while crap in there that was moving around according to Howard. Howard cut Double A off again and said that King is getting some man boobs now that he’s losing weight. He wanted to move on to the next story but Double A insisted that he finish his story. He started to tell the story but it was going on too long and Howard cut him off and said he doesn’t care. He said he’s never heard a more mind numbing story. He said that people might as well turn off their SIRIUS radios when their show comes on tonight. Howard said they’re going to force him to listen to FreeFM tonight.

King told Double A that the white stuff in his mouth made him look like he was eating flour. He also goofed on his jeans. Howard cut them off and had Sal read the next revelation which was ”I once put a wrapped cigar up my ass while having phone sex.” That turned out to be Kenneth Keith. Ken told the guys how that happened about 15 years ago when he was having some phone sex with some woman. He said he even brought along some cigars this morning in case they wanted to see him do it again. Ken said that he was drunk when he did it. Howard told him that’s very gay and he doesn’t have to do that if he doesn’t want to.

Captain Janks said that he talked to Ken about that a couple of weeks ago and told him that talking about that would be very gay. Janks also said that Ken told him a story about how he once chased around a German Sheppard trying to have sex with it. Ken said that it was his own dog and he was drunk. He also said that he’s never actually had sex with a dog. Howard found that hard to believe.

Sal read the next revelation which was ”I once got drunk with a friend of the same sex and tongue kissed.” Everyone knew that it was High Pitch Eric and they were right. Eric said that he went to sleep away camp when he was a little kid. Eric then said that when he was about 21 years old he and his friend got really drunk and they measured each other’s penises. Eric said that his was bigger. His friend told him to close his eyes because he had a surprise for him. That’s when he was kissed by the other guy. Howard said they have to try to get this guy in the studio to see how heinous he is. Howard found out that the guy even played with his penis and finished him off. Eric said that the guy didn’t kiss his penis but he did kiss him on the face. Eric said that the guy kept pleasuring and measuring his penis, that’s when he finished off. Eric is a big homo, that’s what his revelation was.

Gary asked Eric if he’s ever had any other gay experiences. Eric swears that he hasn’t and Howard believed that because no man would want to touch him. He said that was the first good revelation of the morning. Eric said that he didn’t finish off the other guy but he did play with his penis a little bit to get him hard for measuring.

Sal read the next one which was ”I once ripped off my blind neighbor. His uncle gave $200 but I gave the blind guy 2 $10 bills.” The guys figured that it was King of All Blacks. Howard said that he couldn’t live with himself if he ever did that. It turned out it was King and King said that he felt really bad after doing it. He said that he didn’t even want to reveal that but it was a good revelation. King said that he bought glasses with the money because the glasses were $1,100 sunglasses. King said that this guy’s uncle doesn’t talk to him so he gave him the money to give to this blind guy. King said that he gave the blind guy two $20 bills instead of the two $100 bills that his uncle had given to him. Howard told him that maybe he should go give the guy his money now. King said that maybe he’ll do that. They know it won’t happen.

Howard told King that there are core values that define a human being. He said that honesty is his first value. King said that he was being honest by revealing this story. Howard asked him what his core values really are. King said that he knows that he’s too materialistic and that’s one of his problems. That eventually led to Double A and King of All Blacks going off on each other. Double A was calling him names and getting kind of racial when he said that he’s a typical black guy ripping off the white man.

Howard wanted to move on with the final two revelations but King and Double A were still going off on each other. Double A was telling the guys that his mother won the lottery and she helped the family start a business which they sold a few years ago. Now Double A is retired and very proud of that.

Howard moved on to the next revelation which was ”When I was 18 a close family member put me on a plane to deliver 4 kilos of cocaine.” Howard figured it was Janks but some of the other guys figured it was Nicole Bass. Howard also found out before that one that Captain Janks was the one who said ”I once made out with a former staff member’s wife.” Janks didn’t say who it was but he did say that it was the wife of someone who was on the staff and sat in the studio with him every day. He said there was tongue when it happened and other people did see it happen. Janks said that he never said anything because he was afraid that he would never get on the show again. He said that Gary was standing there at the event they were at and he thought he saw the whole thing. Janks said it was at an event that they were at and it wasn’t that long of a kiss. Howard said that would be the worst thing ever to find out that you wife made out with Captain Janks.

Nicole Bass was the one who was put on a plane with the 4 kilos of coke. She told the guys about how her mother was dying from cancer and how her family had gotten into selling drugs to make some money to pay for the medical bills. Howard said that Nicole is the last woman that you’d want to plant drugs on. Nicole said that she was playing the part of a pregnant woman and managed to get on the plane no problem. She had the four kilos taped to her and she was very nervous the whole time it was going on.

Nicole was getting a little long winded and Howard asked whose idea this was because no one really cares about any of this stuff. The guys said that they should have stopped after High Pitch Eric’s revelation. Howard thanked everyone for coming in. The guys were still talking about Nicole and how she looks very manly and how she would be the last person you’d expect to believe was pregnant. Nicole said that she was only 18 at the time and she looked like a tall model back then.

Gary said that King wanted to talk to Artie real quick. King told Artie not to let any woman change him. He was referring to Dana asking him to go to therapy. King told him that he should get a woman that he can mold to his ways instead of the other way around. King said that he would kick her out if it was up to him.